STFU Parents: Yoonique Baby Names That Confirm Our Societal Demise, Part II

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Back in June, which now feels like a lifetime ago, I wrote Part I to this column, which included the names Vallen-Tyne, Hollow Point, and Sckottland. In response to an example about a little boy named “Nephew,” I wrote: “When I see something like this, I feel like we’re already living in the future, Trump is President, and every child is one hot trend away from being named Kviiiilin or a series of clapping hands emoji.” Now that we’re officially living in a world with President-elect Donald Trump, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. (Frankly, I’ve done a bit of both the past couple of days.) Surely if a nation as robust as America is capable of electing a man with no political experience to run the free world, it is capable of continuing to give children names that make us wince, squint, close our eyes, and sigh deeply. But in the spirit of recognizing that society has been on the demise for years — if we’re judging on baby names alone — I figured we should examine a new crop of head-scratchers and prepare for whatever’s coming down the pike in the months and years ahead. If no one accurately predicted a Trump nomination or win, it’s safe to assume that anything is possible.


Forget about Roman numeral names and emoji names. We’re in uncharted waters, with anti-Establishment voters in the UK and the US turning out in droves and rerouting what many assumed were obvious courses in history. If men like Donald Trump don’t have to play by the rules in order to be successful, who says yoonique baby names aren’t just another way of rejecting neoliberalism? You know what’s liberal AF? Names that don’t push any boundaries. Names that say, “I do my homework and pay my taxes and follow the rules to make progress in life.” BOR-ING. We need more names that say “America, FUCK YEAH!” Names that declare that spelling and grammar ain’t got SHIT on yooniqueness. And if you can express your beliefs via a flag on your car, why not do it via your child’s name, too? Why are people *just now* giving their kids gun names? This should’ve been an American pastime for several generations!


Ahh, Cross and Caliber Christian. Names that tell you everything you need to know about a family, especially when paired with that deceptive Trump campaign tagline. I’ve been wondering, though, in relation to baby names, what would “making America great again” look like, exactly? This book excerpt someone sent me doesn’t bode well for the future:

PHRASE NAMES. O’ Lord, please don’t give us phrase names. If the coming years involve names spelled backwards, names with confusing punctuation and pronunciation, names that are 100% made-up, AND strings of other random words and em-dashes, parents will be taking the ‘yoonique’ trend to a tiring new level. I, for one, am exhausted just thinking about it. Thankfully, I’m fairly certain people are way too lazy to utter phrase names. If anything, they’ll give their kids phrase names and shorten them to acronyms. Why give your kid one first name when you could give him 13? In America, bigger is better, so wouldn’t that make longer names superior? Just a thought.

As America’s political landscape shifts, so, too, will the baby name trends we’ve all become accustomed to. Heck, maybe the name “Adolf” will have its first big moment since the 1940s, who knows!? Maybe it’ll get lumped in with the Aidan/Aiden/Ayden trend and be combined to create “Aidolf”? Now that’s catchy. Whatever happens, I will be here to document it and weep onto my keyboard as we inaugurate a man who people in my own Facebook feed have seen bumping lines in Manhattan nightclub bathrooms. It’s going to be quite a ride! To gear up, let’s take a look at some terrible baby names already embraced by parents during Obama’s terms as President. If these names were doled out during a period of economic recovery, just imagine what parents will come up with in the Trump era. Something tells me the names will be loud, nonsensical, self-important, and potentially offensive. Only time will tell. Here’s what some parents have come up with so far.

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