Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Baby X-Pro II: Popular Culture Gives Birth To Yoonique Baby Names

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This week, the internet proved once again that mocking stupid baby names is the lowest common denominator of online humor (aka my comfort zone). TIME published the (questionably accurate) post ‘Parents Are Naming Their Babies After Instagram Filters,’ and the internet took off re-posting. By the end of the day, everyone was cracking jokes about babies being named X-Pro II, and I was reminded that no matter how dumb we think baby names have gotten over the years, they can always get dumber. Some people even pointed out to me that they’ve heard worse. (I can’t say I disagree.) What I took away from this piece of news-bait is that popular culture is still as much a motivating factor behind trendy baby names as it ever has been. If anything, we shouldn’t be surprised when parents name their babies “Facebook” and “Like.” We should anticipate it.

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For some parents, looking to pop culture is actually a preventative measure to help them determine what NOT to name their baby. A quick Google search reminds people why no one is naming their baby boy ‘Cosby.’ And sometimes historically uncommon names turn out to be exceedingly popular, forcing parents to accept that they’re not the only ones who want to name their daughter ‘Hermione.’ These are the people who narrowly try to avoid naming their kids after pop iconography so their kids will presumably stand out from a crowd. Of course, this mode of thinking is futile, since you never know when there’ll be a new shift in name trends due to a Kardashian having another baby. It’s impossible to predict popularity blips, so in a sense, doing research is pointless. That’s probably why some parents just give up and go with something more common and traditional, modifying their child’s name with a yoonique spelling:

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Ah, remember the days when baby name jokes centered around variations of ‘Aidan’? Those were simpler times. Now, we’re joking about babies named after photo editing software filters. Are we getting much dumber, or is naming a baby ‘Valencia’ essentially the same thing as my mom naming me after a character from ‘The Facts of Life’? (If only she’d gone with ‘Tootie’!) It’s hard to say if one era’s pop culture trends are superior to another’s.

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On second thought…yeah, these trends are probably dumber than naming a kid after a character on ‘General Hospital.’ Especially when they hardly make sense:

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So they gave their baby a yoonique name that phonetically plays off an acronym? Whoa. I think we can all agree that the worst trend of all is the yoonique name trend, which continues to present itself in absurd and/or depressing ways that feel distinctly 2015 (note: the child below was found safe…if that’s even the first thing that comes to your mind):

6.I don’t know if I can say that a kindergarten class with six kids named Daenerys is better or worse than this headline about Twinkle Twinkie Twilight, but both are gearing me up for whatever names are store for 2016. In the meantime, for all you yoonique parents out there who insist on your kids’ names being “completely original,” here are some ridiculous options that have already been taken.

Remember, parents: It’s okay if your kid’s name isn’t 100% original. Even Instagram filter names aren’t original. Don’t set us up for a President named Subtweet. Or Cviiilin. Please, just don’t.

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