STFU Parents: The Various Types Of Mommyjackers

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A few weeks ago, Mommyish posted about something that’s seen on STFU, Parents a lot called “mommyjacking.” It was defined as “when an enthusiastic mother turns someone else’s status update into their own personal baby-talk forum.” But that definition is pretty broad, and mommyjacking has many subtle facets. For instance, there are multiple types of mommyjackers, and just because you may not fall into one category, you could easily fall into another. Allow me to showcase a few of the most popular types of mommyjackers in today’s column:

1. The Classic MommyJacker
This type of mommyjacker thinks that your problems can be solved with a little anecdote about her good fortune or her baby’s cute accomplishments. She isn’t trying to be rude; she just genuinely believes that your mood or day will improve upon seeing her latest batch of baby pictures or hearing about how little Paisley can recite the first seven letters of the alphabet. Unfortunately in most cases, this type of mommyjacker thinking is wrong.

2. The Needy MommyJacker
This type of mommyjacker isn’t afraid to tell you her needs. Whether she wants you to come see her baby more, or she feels slighted because you weren’t able to attend her one-year-old’s half-birthday blowout bash, she’ll tell you exactly what’s on her mind (even if it’s slightly offensive). She’s not afraid to voice her feelings, because as far as she’s concerned, you’re the one who isn’t making the time or the effort to see her little one. Even you’ve already made plans to see her soon, your timing is somehow always wrong.

3. The Self-Involved MommyJacker
All mommyjackers exhibit some selfish tendencies, but The Self-Involved MommyJacker is the most selfish of all. She finds a way to work her baby into just about every conversation, regardless of the subject, in order to hog as much of the spotlight as possible. She may not realize she’s doing it, but somehow she manages to mention her baby in conversations about everything from marriage to graduation to illness or even death. She’s thrilled about her blessings and needs absolutely everyone to be as happy for her as she is for herself.

4. The Self-Righteous MommyJacker
This type of mommyjacker is the best at everything and knows it all. She feeds her kids the best foods, purchases the safest, most eco-friendly baby products and toys and is often against epidurals, formula, public schooling, germs and anything that hinders her baby’s advancement in life. She feels justified mentioning her philosophies no matter the occasion, and she regularly pats herself on the back for being so good at motherhood that it’s practically award-worthy. No matter what you’re going through in your childless life, she’s right there to remind you that it can’t stand up against what she’s gone through as a mom.

5. The Tired MommyJacker
This is by far the most popular type of mommyjacker, which makes sense because hey, being a parent IS pretty darn tiring. No one can dispute that claim, and I for one think that parents deserve to complain about being tired as much if not more than everyone else. But the problem is, so many parents agree with that sentiment that they ALL take advantage of reminding their friends just who the really tired people are: themselves. After a while The Tired MommyJacker loses her friends’ sympathy because there’s only so much they can take.

See what I mean?
Of course, there are other types of mommyjackers beyond this list. There’s The Depressive MommyJacker and The Boastful MommyJacker and The Bitter MommyJacker, each as ridiculous and obnoxious as the last. But I think I’ll save those for another time.

Have you ever mommyjacked someone or been mommyjacked by a friend? Tell me about it in the comments!