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STFU Parents: The Various Types Of MommyJackers, Revisited!

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Back in June I wrote a column about mommyjacking, which is the act of hijacking a friend’s Facebook status in an attempt to steer the conversation towards kids and/or parenting. At the time, I highlighted five types of mommyjackers – all fairly ridiculous in their own right – and noted that there are far more types out there than that. Anyone who’s got a habitual mommyjacker in her friends list knows what I’m talking about, because the name of the mommyjacking game is that any status update can be twisted into an opportunity for hijacking. No subject is off limits.

It’s comical in a way, but it’s also a marker that we all use Facebook and social networking for different reasons and in different ways. Some people want to voice their political beliefs, some people want to proclaim they had a turkey sandwich for lunch, and other people just want to comment on everyone else’s status updates to remind them that they’ve joined the ranks of parenthood. But don’t just take my word for it. Here are five more types of mommyjackers to look out for in your newsfeed:

1. The Non-Sequitur MommyJacker

STFU Parents

I don’t think anyone really cares about Ryan’s bank account (except Rachael), but Sandra’s comment makes no sense whatsoever. You could feasibly replace the words “bank account” with just about anything and Sandra would have made the exact same comment. What’s back to normal, you say? Your work load after a big project? Your car after a fender bender? Your scalp after your hair caught on fire in an unfortunate s’mores-related incident? Well, wait until you have a kid! You can forget about normal then!

2. The Depressive MommyJacker

STFU Parents

Hang in there, friend! So sorry for your loss! Sucks to be you, but hey, it could be worse. You could be married with kids, lol!! Think about it, would you rather honor and say goodbye to a relative who’s passed away, OR scrub paint off the living room wall? Your choice, lol! Personally, I’d take a funeral over changing poopy diapers and dealing with my husband, ha ha!

(Yes, this type of thing happens all the time.)

3. The Bitchy MommyJacker  
STFU Parents

I’ve seen passive-aggressive comments on Facebook before, but this one just seems unnecessarily bitchy. Like it was a bit of a “low moment” for Purple Jessica, who comes off as resenting Pink Jessica for no real reason other than Jessica’s audacity to be tired at 8 p.m. while not having an 8-month-old baby. Perhaps they should both take a nap?

4. The “Witty” MommyJacker
STFU Parents

I think Steffany is trying to be funny here, but unfortunately her jokes fall flat for me. I mean, I guess being a working writer sounds kind of like being a full-time mom without the pay, but also, kind of not really? Much like Sandra’s non-sequitur comment above, I get the impression that nearly any profession can be compared to being a full-time mom without the pay through Steffany’s eyes. For instance, garbage men are up at the crack of dawn to help dispose of nasty waste, and so are moms! Carpenters are always fixing broken things, just like moms do when toys break! The President is always juggling a million things at once while trying to remain cool and collected, which is entirely similar to being a full-time mom! Minus the pay part!

5. The One-Upping MommyJacker
STFU Parents

It’s the ellipses that get my attention here. With a period or exclamation point at the end of Brianna’s comment, I’d probably read it as humor. Strange, oversharing, Facebook-obsessed humor, but humor nonetheless. With the ellipses, however, I read it as an almost wistful mommyjacking, like she’s saying, “What I wouldn’t give for the worst allergies ever right now…” Forget the fact that Christopher is a man who will never be in labor in his entire life. The point is that what Brianna is experiencing is far worse than allergies, and Christopher should count himself as lucky. There’s always a bright side if you compare your life to the life of a woman in labor!