STFU Parents: The 5 Types Of Back To School Mothers On Facebook

Because I’m never one to shy away from a theme, this week’s column fits right in with Back To School Week on Mommyish. (I also wrote about back to school-themed submissions last year here and on my blog; who remembers the “hoochie mama backpack”?!) This year, I’ve received a nice cross-section of submissions to showcase once again the range of thoughts parents share on Facebook about the new school season. School means different things to different parents, and for me the amusing takeaway is that it’s easy to tell what kind of parent a person is based on what she thinks about the return of school. For instance, I’ll never forget this post from a couple of years ago on STFU, Parents when I came to understand that some parents view school as more of a “bummer” than as an opportunity for education and growth. Facebook can teach us a lot about these varying perspectives, and today I’ve compiled five of them for your consideration.

1. The Sanctimommy

I’m torn between not understanding what the hell Jennifer is talking about and thinking that she’s a snooty bitch. I think she’s saying that if you’re a parent and you’re excited to see your child begin a new year of school, you’re “too eager” to “get rid of them” for eight hours a day. Which, I think we can all agree, is somewhat insane. It’s important to not only let go of your kids when they start a new school year, but also to be excited for them. Show them that school is fun, and back to school shopping marks the beginning of a new year of learning. And don’t judge parents who are content with their kids being out of the house each day. They’re not “unappreciative” of their children. They’re just happy to have some scheduled time off.

2. The Helicopter Mom

Poor Missy actually believes that individually labeling crayons and markers before her son’s big day was A) a good use of time, and B) a good idea. Wrong. Half of those crayons are going to get broken by lunch time, and the markers are going to get shoved up multiple kids’ noses the second they get their hands on them. Remember that as a parent, you can’t control what happens to your child or his belongings once he enters the wacky world of preschool where sharing is emphasized. Just go with the flow and hope that he doesn’t make enemies with a biter.

3. The Language Butcherer

Remember this column about why parents’ spelling matters on Facebook? Suffice it to say, Kristen and Becky might need a little brush-up on witch which words mean what.. Since Kristen’s daughter is now a forth fourth grader, perhaps she can share her vocabulary lessons with her mom after school?

4. The Moron

Ann clearly has some pent-up animosity toward her son’s teacher, which might be understandable if she’d kept it to herself and off the Internet. Instead, it sounds like she encourages her child’s bad behavior (the behavior that his teacher has no doubt informed Ann of) and has no problem blabbing about her ineptitude as a parent on Facebook. This is why everyone is always saying teachers are underpaid. They’re forced to deal with idiots like Ann and her friends.

5. The Gold Star Mom

I like the way Alana’s status update is in direct opposition to Jennifer’s sanctimonious update in example #1. Let’s get real: Kids can drive anyone, even their own parents, a little crazy, and school is a reward to those parents who have survived yet another summer of having the kids at home. So parents, if you’re feeling excited about the end of summer, know that you’re far from alone. In fact, the time has come to rejoice. Starting now, you’re officially on “break!”