Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Giving Thanks For All The Cool Parents

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With Thanksgiving upon us, it’s now time for my annual ‘Yo, These Parents Are Funny!’ column, which is meant to serve as a respite from whatever holiday-related annoyances are plaguing you. Travel woes, family frustrations, the fact that Black Friday is a full-fledged “shopping holiday” that seems to last over a week…

1.

This is the FIFTH (5th!) year in which I bow my head in gratitude to some cool parents who post among us on social media. You goofy procreators know who you are. If you’re funny, chances are high that having kids may have even improved your sense of humor. These are the parents I want to befriend — or, in some cases, am luck enough to already know. I feel pretty fortunate that many of my own parent friends consistently entertain me with their updates, and I’ve increasingly taken screenshots of my newsfeed (in a good way) over the years as more of my friends have “crossed to the other side.”

You never know what’s going to happen to your Facebook friends when they have kids, though. Some people are already so self-absorbed before they have kids, you feel prepared for them to post a picture of their baby’s umbilical cord. Others turn into the worst, most self-righteous versions of themselves they can be and subsequently scare everyone they know. “Am I next??”, we ask ourselves while staring into the abyss. I can think of at least three people who I could go the rest of my life never seeing again, simply because I feel like retiring to a dark cave every time they post a new long-winded dedication (or, in some cases, video montage) to parenthood on Facebook. No, thank you.

But I digress. This is the FIFTH year in which I’m giving thanks to funny parents, and this year I want to say thanks to some friends from my personal newsfeed. I’ve posted several Mom’s Gold Star updates written by friends before, but I’ve never dedicated a whole column to them. It’s time for me to acknowledge that it would be very difficult to have anything to balance against the crazy submissions I receive if I didn’t have some great, funny status updates mingling in my own newsfeed. Some of the funniest parents I know are people I’ve never even met in real life, but who I’ve known online for several years. One of them, my friend Claire, was one of my first Facebook friends to get a Gold Star, and it happened to be on Thanksgiving three years ago. She caught a lot of shit from people who insisted that her baby could’ve tumbled off the bed, but I’m happy to report that Claire’s kid is alive and doing well, and she’s since had a second kid, too!

2.

Aw, just look at that face! My point is this: Without these people (and several others, since a giant portion of my ‘Friends’ network has kids now), my newsfeed would actually be less enjoyable, which means that by having kids, these friends of mine have contributed something measurably good to my life. Sure, I’ll always hate myself at least 34% more each time I spend long stretches of time on social media, but it’s nice to know there are some people whose updates make checking in worthwhile. If you have a parent friend in your newsfeed whose parenting-related updates always amuse rather than disgruntle you, perhaps now is a good time to tell them? ‘Tis the season for giving thanks, after all! Also, if you have a friend who posts images like this one below, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, it’s kind of weird when parents flash their baby’s genitalia, is it not?

3.Mmmm. Eat up those butter-slathered baby rolls before digging into your Thanksgiving turkey! Quick question, though: Would you rather accidentally have your friend’s baby’s genitals sprung in your face online, OR would you rather contemplate your friend’s husband taking his beer-in-hand post-“Thanksgiving poop”?

A.Just in case you were wondering if Ashlie overshares about her kid’s bathroom habits, too — wonder no more:

B.

Do you see what I’m saying about valuing the funny parents? They’re vital to the entire operation. Let’s check out some of the status updates that I’m thankful for this year, mined from my own newsfeed.

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