STFU Parents: Six Types Of Moms You’ll See On Facebook This Holiday Season

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With the holiday season in full swing and Christmas just around the corner, many parents on Facebook have narrowed their updates to holiday-related discussions. Some people focus on the religious aspects of the season, while others focus on the gift-giving and dessert-eating. Because there are so many different interpretations and denominations, families celebrate the holidays in different ways. One family might stress the importance of charity, while another strives to fill a room with the latest fancy toys and gadgets for their kids. I’ve also received submissions about “Christmas poo,” but I’ll leave those out of today’s column as my holiday gift to you. So without further ado, here are six types of Facebook moms you’ll find in your news feed this holiday season.

1. The MommyJacker

It isn’t Christmas without a mommyjacker on STFU, Parents! And what an unfortunate mommyjacking this is. I thought the whole point of having kids was to cherish the way their eyes light up around the holidays, to bake cookies for neighbors while listening to the Justin Bieber Christmas album as a family. Of course the kids are going to insist on helping decorate the tree! It’s one of the best parts of the season. Perhaps this mom should pour a little extra brandy in her egg nog.

2. The Santimommy

Speaking of kids’ eyes lighting up, this mom’s seasonal joy might be a little over the top. I was with her until the, “I don’t know what people do without kids” line. Remember, parents, whether you know it or not, someone in your newsfeed might be struggling to have a family of her own and would trade all the extra sleep in the world to experience that same joy. Similarly, others might be choosing to remain childfree, so try to select your words carefully.

3. The Elf on the Shelf Mom

If there’s one topic that’s gotten more discussion than ANY other topic this season on Facebook, it’s Elf on the Shelf. Parents seem to enjoy moving the elf each night almost as much as their kids will enjoy being rid of the elf come Christmas day. One of the more amusing side notes of this fad is when parents talk about how smart their children are and how they just can’t take the Elf on the Shelf seriously enough because they’re so gosh darn smart. Kids these days!

4. The Amazon Mom

This is a new Facebook feature that LOTS of parents are taking advantage of this holiday season. Now you don’t need to ask mom and dad what their 10-month-old “wants” for Christmas because he’s got his very own Amazon wish list! In theory, I can understand why some parents would put a list like this together because it’s convenient and easy for all involved, but in truth I’m still not sold on the concept. Whatever happened to, “You’re so sweet to think of Aiden. I’m sure he’ll love anything you get for him!”? It seems those days are long gone.

5. The Crazy Shopper Mom

I’m fairly certain the meaning of Christmas has gone straight out the window for this Old Navy-shopping mama bear. She’s so crazed with anger that she had to type out a nasty message and vent on Facebook before getting home to her computer. It’s one thing to feel frustrated by “missing out” on a cute dress for your daughter, but it’s another to wish something bad on another person (especially a child) just because you’re a giant brat.

6. The Mom’s Gold Star

The best types of parent status updates this season are the ones with a sense of humor. According to the person who submitted this to me, Jessica’s six-year-old was trying to make a nose out of salt dough, as this is apparently a “superhero rat with big ears and a long nose,” but to a mom with a little boy, it probably appeared that he was sculpting some other choice body parts. Props to all the parents who take the festive season lightly, and happy holidays to everyone from STFU, Parents!