STFU Parents: The Rise Of The Momblebrag

Last week I received an email from a new mom: “Is Momblebrag a word? I want to pull this woman’s hair.” The screenshot she’d attached featured a woman humblebragging in a parenting group — the exact place parents go to build a support network, but stay to feel better about themselves and their parenting while they secretly loathe every member. In this instance, the momblebrag was about having an “easy baby,” which is something people sincerely mean when they say it, as they are genuinely thankful for their easy baby, but it’s also kind of like saying, “Oh man, I am SO fortunate that I happen to have a trust fund. I would’ve been okay without it; I would’ve taken life by the balls and appreciated every single second just as much, but with this trust fund, life is made so much easier, you know?”

_INTRO_easy baby

Lynn, I’m glad your baby is “well” during the day — no, really, I am — but this is the kind of information that makes some people hate you. Not everyone is “blessed” with a good baby, or a good experience putting their kids in daycare, and so your comment, while perhaps accurate, comes off as a momblebrag that stirs white hot rage among other members of your Facebook parenting group. Funny how a solitary comment can have that effect!

The thing with humblebrags is that they aren’t just about achievements. They’re also about luck, and back-patting, and essentially giving yourself a compliment in a public forum. They make people feel kind of icky, like a coworker just announced what a monumental orgasm they had the night before. It’s not that you’re not happy for the person, but it’s hard to understand why you’ve been fed this information. Humblebrags aren’t designed to make anyone feel badly and they’re not communicated with a desired effect of causing their friends to dislike them, and yet those are often the results that shake out, if only temporarily. After all, we’re only as Likable as our last Facebook post.

The other day I was scrolling through my newsfeed — something I do a few times a day with full confidence that it will make me feel great, when about 70% of the time it makes me question every life choice I’ve ever made — and I saw no fewer than five “tributes / shout outs / love notes” in a row. One was an anniversary dedication that included the words, “You make my heart smile every day.” Another was a birthday post on a spouse’s wall. Another was a “just because” post that created a sensation in my body not unlike getting a root canal. And one thing I’ve decided that I just don’t need to see, above all other forms of tributes, is a tribute to oneself.

It’s one thing to brag about a kid’s specific accomplishment — a worthy one, that is, not “Kehleigh’s 27th time climbing the tree in the front yard! Go Kehleigh!!!” I try to put myself in other people’s shoes when they brag about their kids’ successes, because seeing a child get a great test score or a winning goal or even just do a noble deed is what parenting is all about. But there comes a point when “My Kid Is Awesome” posts lose their luster, or become too saturated in self-prescribed mompliments, and they veer sharply into unforgiving humblebrag territory. There’s nothing wrong with a little back-patting from time to time, but must it be done so shamelessly on Facebook? Let’s check out some modest examples.

1. My Baby Is So Beautiful

stephanie

NO HYPERBOLE, PEOPLE. When Stephanie says “20 times” she actually means “26 times,” so if anything, she’s rounding down. Whenever she leaves the house, people comes out of every nook and cranny just like the munchkins in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and they stroke her beautiful baby’s face and speak in foreign languages about what a gorgeous child she is. She is literally obsessed over like a new Tesla. ::sigh:: Everything takes soooo much longer since Harper entered the picture!

1B

What doctor DOESN’T say that a baby is “wise beyond her months,” that’s what I want to know. Pro-tip to all the pediatricians out there: Tell every single one of your customers that their baby is wise — or use a synonym like “alert,” “old soul,” or “highly intelligent” — and you’ve got a patient for life. Compliment the little girl babies on their giant oversized bows and your Yelp reviews will improve significantly. This is just good business, trust me.

2. Breastfeeding Makes Moms Skinny

2. breast is best

Okay, okay, we all know one of the upsides of breastfeeding is that it helps moms lose the baby weight, but does that really warrant a status update like this? Tessa is a lactivist, and not just the kind who will spout off about the nutrients and the medical benefits of breast milk, but the kind who will slip into her indigo wash Joe’s Jeans from 1999 and post about how freakin’ skinny she is just before adding the tried and true tagline for any annoying new-mom monster: “Breast is best.” Suck it, Tessa!!!

3. Frightened By Your Own Child’s Amazingness

3. vivian is v2

In case you’re wondering, Annie calls her kid “V2” because both her daughter and husband’s first names begin with the letter “V.” So he is “V1” and her daughter is “V2.” Doesn’t that make you want to get stuck in an elevator with Annie to hear even more about her quirky life as the mother of a hyper-verbal, completely intelligible angel who not only practices good manners, but also reveres the shit out of her beyond-wonderful mother? I didn’t think so.

4. Chronicles Of A Momma Of 4

4. feel unstoppable

On the one hand, I *think* Danielle is saying that she just gave birth to quintuplets, which is an incredible feat that should be celebrated in the form of weekly massages and spa treatments forever. But on the other hand, she might be thinking just a wee bit highly of herself (understandably), which leads to posts like this. I’m thrilled for her family that they got to enjoy some of Danielle’s famous Catfish and Mac and Cheese (proper nouns for proper dinner fixin’s), and I’m proud of Danielle for not sobbing into her catfish when her C-section incision opened, but what exactly does she expect, a Facebook accolade? Keep those achievements offline, Danielle. No one orders their Danielle’s Catfishâ„¢ with a side of gaping wound.

5. My Kid Loves Me More

tara

Tara had good intentions when she wrote this status update, but to me it reads as, “All the other kids have no reason to run, for their love doesn’t spring them into action like my little guy’s love does.” His love is the strongest, most powerful love out of all the other children’s love combined. He prances straight into his mother’s arms at the end of the school day while his classmates just droop their heads and mope back to their parents without expressing even a hint of the fervor Tara’s son feels for his mom. Isn’t she the luckiest mother alive? 🙂 She must be. And now everyone on Facebook knows it, too.

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