STFU Parents: Pretentious Parents On Facebook Who Put Us All To Shame

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Now that school is officially back in session, let’s take a minute to explore one of the least appealing traits that a parent can have: pretentiousness. Whether you’re bragging about your amazing home birth, your “genius,” toddler, or your blossoming teenagers, no one checks their social media feeds in the hopes of reading another highfalutin update about what a “gift” children are (not to mention how “gifted” they are, according to their parents). Granted, some kids — nay, all kids! — are exceptional in one way or another, but there’s a particular tone some parents use that goes well beyond pride. It’s really more like narcissism. You can always spot these people in real life because they’re constantly explaining themselves and their choices, as if anyone gives a shit.

1. pretentious_baby bottle

Pretentious parents know their kids are a little more special than other kids, but also that being special isn’t just about luck. Their kids may be exceptional, but it’s primarily because their parenting skills are exceptional. If you’re a pretentious parent then you know what I’m talking about here. That snobbishness comes in handy when choosing foods, schools, social activities…heck, even just when considering how to teach kids about philosophical theories of life. It’s also about having tightly reined control over children’s habits, friends, scholastic experiences, and so on. No one is born exceptional, okay? Kids are raised by exceptional parents to be that way. That’s why it’s so important not to piss those parents off. Consider what happened to the woman whose kid told a group of kids that Santa doesn’t exist:

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This woman was attacked by a group of holier than thou bullies who genuinely believed they could control when their kids learned that Santa isn’t real. And because one of them has a brother who speaks legalese and has letterhead paper with his douchey law firm’s name at the top, the offended parents’ obvious response was to threaten in form of a lawsuit. Only a pack of deluded parents who believe their kids aren’t equally capable of such “emotional damage” would issue a letter so ridiculous. They may as well be in a Superior Parents Club — no “average” parents whose kids spread (true) rumors about fictional holiday characters allowed! And the worst part is, we all know people like this. We’ve all met parents who think their kids shouldn’t play in the dirt, or offer up details about their kids’ favorite sushi rolls for no apparent reason. We’ve all met parents whose kids can “do no wrong,” and it’s usually because the parents themselves believe they know what’s best at all times. The day they became parents was the day their hearts starting walking around outside their bodies…right along with their brains and awareness of others. Just because you know you’re a good parent doesn’t mean you’re the BEST parent raising the next world leader. Thankfully, there are still some people out there who know that.

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The surprise twist in this status update is what made it one of the most popular posts on the STFUP Facebook page ever, resulting in over 5,000 Likes and 4,000 shares. It’s become increasingly rare to read honest thoughts like this, especially since social media has ruined everyone and caused most of us to only showcase our best and brightest moments. Considering how fragile most parents’ psyches are when it comes to defending their parenting choices, it’s no surprise that the pretentious updates only come across as that much smarmier. We get it, Pretentious Parents. You rule the school. Your kids are magical beings, and you are the spark behind the fuse. Your sage wisdom and fundamental understanding of how to raise kids is impressive, but you can stop telling everyone how much better cloth diapers are for the environment, and quit justifying why your kid should be able to express himself with markers on a restaurant wall. You can also stop waxing poetic about the joys and responsibilities of being a parent, as though other parents (and their kids) aren’t on your family’s level. No one really thinks you’re better at keeping children alive than anyone else, because you can’t be. Like the mother in the status update said, you’re not in a competition, so you needn’t behave like you’re in one. Maybe someone can explain that to the parents featured in today’s column. Let’s check ’em out.

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