Stuff

STFU Parents: Parents Who Can’t Get Over Their Children’s Impressive Crap

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“Everybody poops,” as the old 16th century saying goes, and nowhere online is that fact more apparent than on Facebook. Over the years, a common reader response to poop posts on STFU, Parents is, “Gee, I wonder what would happen if *I* described or posted pictures of my large bowel movements to my friends, relatives, and colleagues on Facebook?!” For parents, a baby’s regular evacuation is a joyous thing, and particularly sizable dumps are momentous occasions. But for their friends, the information comes across as nearly the same as it would if the parents themselves had announced their own poop adventures. Poop is poop. We all doo it (heh), and, thankfully, because this system of eliminating waste from our bodies is universal, most of us don’t talk about it online. Baby poop, adult poop, middle school poop, geriatric poop — what’s the difference? Well, if you’re a recent parent, the difference is that babies can shit out an astonishing amount of poop in relation to their size, something that moms and dads find both fascinating and impressive. And what better way to entertain one’s friends than by passing along the revelation that a teeny tiny baby is actually capable of pooping like an elephant? I mean, who wouldn’t want to know that information, right?

You can see, or perhaps smell, where I’m headed with this. It’s time for another Bathroom Behavior poop submission inbox colonoscopy, and today’s theme is ‘quantity.’ Parents: Your social media friends don’t need reminding that babies are autonomous poop factories. They also don’t need to read about their habit of pooping in the bath, painting with poopon the walls, or the fact that young babies’ poop smells like buttered popcorn. That said, if you’re going to marvel about your child’s massive crap online, at least don’t post a picture. I’ve spared you fine readers of the rancid contents in my “Poop Pics” folder today (which, in case you’re wondering, DOES make me feel like a weirdo for having on my computer), but that doesn’t make the following examples okay. It just means they’re “lacking” a visual and your chances of barfing have been vastly reduced. You’re welcome!

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