STFU Parents: Performing Pregnancy: Have You Grown a Baby Today?

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5. Deep Thoughts From A Narcissist

5. search 'heartburn'

The person who sent this in wrote, “I personally never understood heartburn until life was growing inside me but okay. Sorry, over half of the world’s population, you’re just never gonna get it!” That’s right, all you no-baby-having losers! Forget about understanding life now — you’ll never have the pleasure of grasping a fraction of what that’s all about. You won’t know what love is, but you’ll think you do. You won’t know what LIFE is, but you’ll equate it to, oh I don’t know, summiting a mountain, saying goodbye to a loved one on his or her deathbed, maybe hugging a dog? Some shit like that.

Do me a favor: Visit a sloth sanctuary and tell me what life is about, and then give birth to a HUMAN BABY and tell me if there’s a difference. Give Oprah a foot massage with essential oils and tell me what’s that’s like, and then BREASTFEED YOUR BABY with milk that your body CREATED and tell me if there’s a difference. You could even meet the Dalai Lama and meditate together while holding hands at sunrise for all this woman cares and you’ll NEVER FRIGGIN’ GET IT. You could harmonize with the Beach Boys after doing whippets and you still won’t know. So stop trying. Either get knocked up and have the epiphany of a lifetime, or invest in a lifetime supply of Cheetos and call it a day. It’s really as simple as that.

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