STFU Parents: Paternity Tests And Dramatic DNA Disclosures On Facebook

There’s nothing I crave less from social media than feeling like I’m all up in some couple’s relationship. I’m not talking about viewing average posts that document a couple or family’s everyday life; I’m talking about routinely learning intimate details that might make sense for someone to privately share with close friends, but not with the internet at large. I recently wrote about one example of this when I advised against posting about “baby-making” on Facebook, and as far as common indiscretions go, that’s still probably the most cringe-inducing. Keep your love-making and your raw-dogging to yourselves, people! That said, sex is something that most of us actively engage in and can relate to on some level. And a lot of people have had sex with the goal of making a baby, so for some folks out there, a status update about baby-making is entirely welcome, if a little TMI. What’s less relatable, however, are updates pertaining to what can happen after the baby-making commences if sweet little Aiiydhen turns out looking nothing like his daddy.

Would you rather see obnoxious schmoopy updates about the carefully planned conception of a baby, OR be privy to a months-long drama-filled soap opera that ends with the results of a paternity test, not unlike an episode of ‘Maury’? Neither type of update should be shared with the world on Facebook, but I think today’s column confirms that impassioned updates about a baby’s questionable paternity are far more entertaining than updates about “trying for baby #4 with the love of my life!” Sure, the constant need for DNA tests is depressing. Any need for a DNA test is kind of a bummer, whether birth control methods failed or were even used. In some cases, a baby’s paternity is questioned even more by friends and family than by the parents themselves. Assumptions get made, fingers get pointed. That’s why it’s so neat-o that we have a handy dandy scientific test that puts all those questions and suspicions to rest! And unlike saccharine status updates about trying for a baby, which can go on for as long as it takes a couple to conceive, paternity drama WILL effectively come to an end, just like an episode of reality TV. The drama may drag out over several status updates, but you’re building up to a satisfying, conclusive ending.

That’s a booth I saw at a street fair in Brooklyn, situated between a bounce house and a face-painting station. Apparently, DNA testing has become a lot like the “Guess Your Weight” game at carnivals. Step right up and learn all about how YOU can finally determine the identity of your baby’s daddy! And then, of course, post the results on Facebook so everyone knows what’s what. Let’s check out some examples of paternity-related updates that probably shouldn’t be plastered on the internet, but have been anyway, because people have no shame whatsoever. Maury! Maury! Maury! (Seriously, though — condoms usually work wonders. Maybe the couples in today’s column should try them!)

1. Krystale’s Got 99.99 Problems But Confirmation That Jeff Is Her Baby’s Father Ain’t One

I never know who to root for in an instance like this. I’m happy for Krystale (which I’m pronouncing in my head as “Krys-TAIL”), but at the same time it’s like, “Krystale, you DO realize this is nothing to brag about, right? And if you ARE going to brag about it on Facebook and insult the people who were skeptical, at least correctly spell the word “bitches.” Don’t prove people wrong in the same breath as admitting your own idiocy. Spellcheck that shit.” But um, congrats to Krystale and Jeff! A baby was conceived from your love!

2. The Realest Bitch On Facebook

Kristina isn’t a nasty ass trifling whore from Calvert County, so her closest friends and family should stop talking about her like she is. She communicates EXTREMELY WELL with Delontae and doesn’t need any drama from MORE THEN 10 DIFFERENT family members to be floating around, especially on Facebook! Don’t start no Facebook shit, there’ll be no Facebook shit. That’s Kristina’s Facebook message for everyone involved. STOP TALKING ABOUT HER AND DELONTAE ON FACEBOOK, or she will be forced to bring it up on Facebook. And for everyone who keeps gossiping, just know that Delontae CAN GO GET A DNA TEST DONE but has simply CHOSEN NOT TO. He COULD if he wanted to, but Kristina has repeatedly told him that HE DOESN’T WANT TO so that’s THAT. But keep talking cus the birds is relaying the messages and the chirps aren’t far from Kristina’s ears. She’s the realest bitch Delontae’s ever had, and that has to count for something.

3. “Vasectomy” Babies

Hey, congrats on determining that a douchebag you conceived a child with IS, in fact, the douchebag daddy of your baby! Well done! Also, I have to ask: What kind of intelligent woman would believe some random asshole about having gotten a vasectomy that he didn’t actually have? PRO-TIP, ladies — when a man says, “We’re good without a condom, I had a vasectomy,” all you have to do is ask him ONE question about the procedure to figure out if he’s lying. Ask him how much the operation cost, or how long it took. Ask him how long he had to ice his balls before he didn’t feel like crying. Ask him ANYTHING, and you’ll have your answer. Otherwise, you might wind up having his baby and admitting to the world via Facebook that by falling for a douchebag’s bullshit, you created a new human life that costs an average of $245,000 to raise. If that happens, whatever you do — don’t name the baby “Aycesuh.”

4. PSA

Summer is not impressed with Bryant’s confession. I’m not too impressed with it, either. Yes, Sarah sounds like a piece of work, but when you “don’t support” your own supposed baby before a paternity test can prove she’s not yours and you already have TWO children with the baby’s mother, you’re a jerk. And how is it all Sarah’s fault that her and Bryant’s kids are in foster care? Can these two morons please get their shit together or take the drama off Facebook? I check my newsfeed hoping to catch a new video of a puppy on a skateboard, not so I can witness my friends’ nervous breakdowns over their shitty exes. Bryant’s situation sounds rough, but talking to a social worker or a shrink would probably be more helpful than ranting online to anyone who will listen. When you rant on the internet, you don’t always net the kinds of sympathetic comments you’re hoping for. You just get Hidden from your friends’ view.

5. No More Waisted Time

Aw, this is GREAT, I’m so thrilled to hear that Jay is 99.99% Jaydiah’s father, because it would’ve been pret-ty awkward if he wasn’t! WTF kind of name is “Jaydiah” anyway? Did Amanda have the baby and say, “Hey Jay, before we get a paternity test to prove that this new baby is actually yours, why don’t we go on and call her Jaydiah? That way, she’ll HAVE to be yours!”? It seems like a strange thing to name a baby if the results had come back and said she wasn’t Jay’s baby after all, but luckily, for everyone involved, she is! I just love a storybook ending. Mazel tov, you responsible, wonderful parents. Glad to hear that Amanda is raising several future leaders. No more waisted time, indeed!