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STFU Parents: Parents Who Freak Out About Baby Names On Facebook

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We’ve discussed parents’ yoonique baby name choices in this column several times before, but one thing we haven’t discussed is all the drama surrounding those choices. Did you know that baby name-stealing is a modern day tragedy of mammoth proportions? Well, it is. It’s a tragic epidemic that’s spiraling out of control. Hide yo names, hide yo wives, ’cause bitches be stealing. And if they’re not stealing, then they’re doing something else to anger parents, like mispronouncing little Jhykcen (pronounced “Jackson”) or Espn’s first names, or making up cute little nicknames for children that were NOT Parent Authorized. There’s more to today’s baby names than meets the eye.

Much like choices in education and healthcare reform, how we choose our children’s names is something that will influence them for their entire lives. What if some other Kherington Aliyaazana is out there in the world racking up trophies, huh? Then what? Babies and children have to rely on their individuality these days more than ever, and that’s why parents are so concerned with yooniqueness. It all makes perfect sense, if you really think about it (while drunk).

Here are several examples of parents who are far more obsessed with their children’s names than any generation of parents that came before:

1. Baby Name Stealing

STFU Parents

Helloooooooo people, wise up and recognize that Kayla isn’t dumb. She knows a name rip-off when she sees one, okay? Game recognize game. It’s like listening to a cover of a Coldplay song. You just know some things. At least in Leann’s case, she’ll give birth to her daughter Karlee wayy before some idiot can steal her baby name. Jerks.

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