STFU Parents: Parents Who Approach Halloween With A Wicked Sense Of Humor

Over the past decade or so, I’ve watched the rules and regulations surrounding Halloween evolve from slightly spooky to downright frightening. What used to be a small, rare-ish batch of unnecessarily paranoid parents who feared poisonous candy and razor blades in apples has now morphed into a larger, much less rare, community-oriented group of parents who would like to change the definition of Halloween “treats” altogether. Why offer chocolate when you could offer, say, carrot sticks, Necco Wafers, and Brach’s Lemon Drops?


Frankly, I’m surprised this mother didn’t also suggest some of my favorite classic Halloween treats: years-old rice cakes, fruit roll-ups made of seaweed, and everyone’s favorite snack — sprouts!, but I guess there’s always next year. Her “gentle request” of a neighborhood bulletin is similar to other notices floating around the internet (and the real world), suggesting that Halloween high jinks of the past are no longer accepted in the present. In 2015, parents paint teal pumpkins to advertise their home as having non-food treats for children with allergies. (Extra-considerate!) In 2015, parents torture their children with candy buyback programs. (Extra healthy!) And in 2015, it can appear as though parents no longer have a sense of humor about Halloween at all, especially if they work at Louisville Family Chiropractic.


Ugh, what a party that’s going to be. Is it just me, or is the scariest thing about Halloween this current incarnation of hand-wringing? Even my own former elementary school eliminated the beloved annual Halloween parade, which took place during school hours, simply because a few parents complained that Halloween is the Devil’s Christmas and stomped their grumpy, selfish feet loudly enough. Thankfully, I’ve got proof that there are still plenty of parents out there who celebrate Halloween the way it was meant to be celebrated: with a positive attitude and bitching kept to a minimum.


I love it when parents not only make fun of their children in a polite way, but also share that mockery on social media. It’s a good lesson for the uptight folks who are too focused on shielding their kids’ eyes from horror displays at the grocery store to appreciate what Halloween is all about. Getting spooked is supposed to be fun, and even if we’re discouraging people from passing out candy with nuts (which, if I’m honest, is all absolutely delicious), it’s important to maintain a rational perspective on the holiday. Let’s not take Halloween too seriously. Instead, just approach the day with a sense of humor. In fact, if you approach every day with a sense of humor, you might wind up posting something amusingly horrifying like this and get away with it:


I’m seriously considering printing this out and framing it. Thanks for this extremely weird scare, Brendyn. Little Mia is just adorable.

Let’s check out some other parents who aren’t handling the holiday with kids gloves — unless, of course, they look like these. Mwahahaha!

1. First Thing’s First

1. whiskey

Dana has two kids, but that doesn’t mean she can’t dress up on Halloween, too! Yes, women CAN have it all. She’s even come up with the perfect costume for mothers of young kids — a costume that can be universally worn and adored. Incorporate a crooked clown wig, a ratty old robe, and some smeared lipstick, and this Bitter Old Woman costume would actually frighten me.

2. Came In Like A Wrecking Ball

2. wrecking ball

Okay, I don’t know about best pregnant belly costume “EVA” — that’s a pretty serious assertion — but I agree with Audrey that this ‘Wrecking Ball’ costume is pretty awesome. Granted, this submission isn’t from this year, which makes sense, but I think the costume could still be worn for years to come and continue to crack me up. Plus, it’s warm! Only Barbie Miley might get a little chilly.

3. Through A Mother’s Eyes

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I don’t know what Lisa’s “only in Wyoming!” comment means (are there a lot of child actors in local CATS productions who smoke cigarettes in Cheyenne?), but Jeny’s caption is absolutely inspired. Jeny, if you’re reading this, can you teach me how to see the world as you do, in which children mimic adults in the cleverist of ways? I’m also a fan of the black feather boa and ankle accessories. I may just steal this kid’s whole costume, despite being an actual adult. Anything that involves a sweatsuit is right up my alley.

4. Stranger Danger

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Becky wins everything. This Facebook status update almost feels like a costume unto itself, it’s so campy and delightful and props-driven. It’s the kind of update that requires a bit of set-up but is totally worth it in the end. Nice work. I hope someone photographs a whole series of these. I’m picturing a machete with an apple stuck on the end, maybe a mini-Snickers Scotch-taped to a crude pipe bomb, etc. The possibilities are endless.

5. Halloween Hangover

5.This might be the only picture of kids with their pants down on social media that I can’t help but applaud. Coupled with the caption and the one little girl’s giant sunglasses, I’ll admit it — I lol’d. She looks like a tiny Jessica Simpson getting caught shitting in her own front yard by a bunch of paparazzi. And of course it would be the day after Halloween, when candy hangovers destroy the minds of toddlers more than a handle of Jim Beam destroys the minds of college kids. Well-played, children and Tracy. With this year’s holiday also falling on the eve of daylight saving time, I expect to see even more submissions that fall into this category. Don’t let me down, funny parents. My inbox depends on you.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

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