STFU Parents: Parents, Keep Your Sons’ Penises Off Facebook

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Last week, I was asked during an interview what the most inappropriate STFU, Parents submissions are that I receive. Not the worst types of mommyjacker or sanctimommy submissions, but the most inappropriate types of posts that I see. Typically, I would consider pictures of poop, placenta, and childbirth to be pretty private and inappropriate content for social media, but somehow without thinking, I replied, “You mean like baby boner submissions?” It’s been five years since I last wrote about baby-and-child penis status updates – which I file in a folder titled ‘Boy Parts TMI’ that includes submissions about circumcision, as well, but that’s a whole other column – but once I saw the horrified look on the interviewers face, I realized it was high time we address this subject once again.

To put it bluntly: Tiny penises don’t belong on Facebook. I’m not talking about pictures of baby/toddler/kid penises, because pictures of adult men’s penises don’t belong on Facebook, either. (Seriously. Unless you’re Orlando Bloom.) No, I’m referring to parental discussions about penises, because quite frankly, they rub me the wrong way. (Ew.) Sure, parents can tell the occasional anecdotal story about their son’s inevitable penis obsession to friends in real life, but on the internet, who wants that kind of information? I’m amused by penis jokes as much, or perhaps as little, as everyone else, but even I know where to draw the line, and it’s at a young boy’s manhood.


Brenda, if you went back and forth about whether to post this information, don’t you think that was a sign to maybe just…not post it? That hint of doubt you felt was your conscience speaking, and it was scream-whispering, “Brenda, this is the definition of TMI. YOU KNOW THIS. Your son wouldn’t have wanted you to post about this when he’s older. Save this story for the next gossip session at a children’s birthday party.” The truth is, penis jokes can be funny, except when they’re about toddlers. And even if or when toddler penis jokes are comical, like say, when it’s your own son or nephew asking about the “bone in his penis,” the story still isn’t worth sharing with EVERYONE you know on Facebook. But hey, maybe that’s just me. Maybe there are a bunch of people who are entertained by their friend’s pruned penis, and I’m the only one who would rather see a generic picture in a pumpkin patch.


Lololol. Have you ever heard something so adorable? Boys and their penises, amirite?!! I mean, a pruned vagina would never, ever get posted about on Facebook, because GROSS, but a pruned penis? Haha! Jack sounds like one heck of a little comedian. Thanks for sharing, J. Your friends didn’t know they were going to get slapped in the face with a description of your young son’s genitals after a bath, but I’m sure they appreciate it!

That said, I happen to know it’s not cool to post about little boys’ “packages” on social media, because I have a lot of friends with kids, and none of them do it, and those numbers just don’t lie. If EVERYONE is posting pictures at the pumpkin patch, but NO ONE is posting status updates about their son’s wet, shriveled penis, conventional wisdom should tell parents to rethink their updates. Do the majority of little boys have a sometimes-hilariously intense fascination with their penises? Of course they do. But none of us need to be reminded of that boyhood feature. To all my Facebook friends who might be reading this: Thanks for not telling me when your son’s penis has “shrinkage.” It was funny when it happened to George Costanza, but I don’t want to think about it in the context of your kid.

Let’s check out some more examples of things parents shouldn’t post online about their sons’ penises.

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