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STFU Parents: Six Foods Ruined By Parents On Facebook

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A couple of weeks ago, a tasty new food craze swept the nation. Well, it’s not exactly available to purchase at the supermarket or in any restaurants yet, but I think it’s still fair to say that baby poop sausage raised the eyebrows and churned the stomachs of millions when it was first reported. As a reminder, the report going around (like a disgusting disease) described the sausage scenario (sausenario?) thusly: “Using three strains of probiotic bacteria isolated from the dirty diapers, the investigators cooked up several batches of pork that resembled a type of fermented Mediterranean sausage known as feut.” In other words: YUM.

This got me thinking about the ways that parents already enjoy discussing baby poop online. Now, don’t get me wrong — OFFline, I think it’s totally normal for anyone who feels elbows-deep in fecal matter to want to talk about it, be it with a close friend, a relative, or a random drugstore cashier. But ONline, I start to wonder what the hell is wrong with people. There may be no greater crime than ruining — sometimes intentionally — a food that the average person consumes and enjoys. An excellent example of this is the recent column about poop smelling like buttered popcorn.  And three years ago, I wrote a column about ruined foods that temporarily swayed me from edible delights including Thai curry, edamame, whole black olives (always ‘whole’…shudder), blueberries, and — mercilessly — burritos. (I’ve since recovered from my burrito ban, once I stopped picturing them as rolled up tortillas filled with diarrhea).

After reading about the poop sausage, I figured it might be time to tackle this subject again in the hopes that parents will stop ruining foods by talking about their kids’ dirty diapers. We may not be able to stop the testing and production of pork products made from “a strain of bacteria derived from infant feces,” but we CAN encourage parents to stop detailing the shitty results of their children eating certain beloved foods. Let’s take a look at six new examples.

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