Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Moms Who Serve Their Babies Eviction Notices On Facebook

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A common insult I hear a lot is that some women “act as though they’re the first person to ever give birth.” And while I think that’s true, I tend to err on the side of the pregnant woman whose feet, hands, and entire body are swollen. Let’s face it, who really WANTS to be pregnant, aside from the five percent or so of women who absolutely love playing host to a tiny growing parasite? Most of the mothers I know don’t extol the virtues of pregnancy; they’re counting down the days until they can enjoy a margarita and take a nap without a fetus jumping on their bladder. Which is to say, I have a lot of sympathy for pregnant, hormonal women — up to a point.

The problem is that on social media, women feel like they can finally say the thing that’s been replaying on a loop in their minds all morning or evening long, whether it’s that they’re peeing every 20 seconds, have indigestion, or are totally constipated. And sometimes when people are being driven crazy, they don’t realize how their venting sounds once it’s transmitted through the social media echo chamber. Considering how many Facebook users in their 20s and 30s have friends who are starting to have babies, these updates can quickly start to run together like dozens of ‘first day of school pictures,’ and everyone’s individual experiences become reduced to “pregnant talk” or “labor talk” or “newborn talk.” Everybody says the same shit, over and over, and while that reminds us that so much of life is rooted in the universal, which is nice, it also creates a lot of repetitive posts in our newsfeeds.

With that in mind, I have a bone to pick (or a belly to poke?) with “baby eviction notices.” Upon first read, this is a venting device that’s not so much “laugh out loud funny” but still clever enough to pass as light entertainment. It’s not as trite as parents who joke (probably a thousand times apiece) that their baby is so cute, “We’ve decided to keep her!!”, but it’s not very original either. It comes in a few forms: the “official-looking” eviction notice image, the custom-written “contract” status update, and the woe is mom ‘begging-for-the-baby-to-be-born-already’ update. They’re all about as harmless as they are derivative — but lately, it seems like I’ve been seeing them much more frequently.

eviction

Get it? The tenant is the baby, and it’s time to vacate the premises? *groan* Look, I understand that there are only so many jokes a person can make about wanting their baby to come out, and I appreciate the humor in serving a soon-to-be-born baby with legal papers. On the surface, that’s funny. And how else would you serve a baby eviction papers, if not via Facebook? It’s a goofy way for moms to express their sincere desire to no longer be pregnant. But it’s also a a cheesy facet of momedy — comedy that’s really only funny to moms — which is kind of like the pregnancy equivalent of a “dad joke.” There’s a certain “yuk yuk yuk” jokey quality to these eviction notices and begging (to an unborn baby) rants, and if I had any say in the matter, I’d recommend that moms put down their legal pads, close their computers, and knock back a gallon of castor oil. That baby’ll slide right on out. Just ask your Great Aunt Ruth. She’ll tell you. Until that happens, though, let’s take a look at some examples of parents who are at their wits end with the gestation period, to the point that they’re making “mom jokes” and straight-up pleading with their fetuses on Facebook. Don’t let this be you.

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