STFU Parents: Moms Who Reveal Too Much About Their Bodies On Social Media, Part II
This week, I wanted to discuss some of the finer points of being a lady on Facebook. I already broached this subject last year in a column about moms who share too much information about their bodies on social media, and now it’s time for Part II. First, I should say that I try to stay balanced in my perception of how women discuss their bodies online (particularly on social media). It’s not easy being a woman, especially one who has carried, delivered, and nursed a baby, and I would never want to give the impression that I think women’s bodies are “gross.” I don’t. Or rather, sometimes I do, but that’s part of the “magic” of being a woman (or so we say). Our bodies do weird stuff even if we’re not pregnant (or post-pregnancy), so naturally we gravitate toward sharing certain experiences when shit gets a little crazy. (No pun intended. Seriously.)
But, the difference between me and the women featured in today’s column is that I would never share details about my body in a public forum that includes my Uncle Chet, my mom’s best friend, and my first boyfriend from elementary school. As magical as women’s bodies are, and as important as I think it is for women to feel comfortable discussing their bodies with friends, family, and doctors, I like to keep my magic a mystery. No need to spread the word on the internet that my magic is occasionally painful, messy, or (god forbid) requires surgery. There’s a shamelessness that some women have regarding their bodies online, and as a feminist I want so badly to stand behind those women and support them.
I want to say, “You go, girl! Tell it like it is!” — but I can’t. Instead, I hear my mother’s voice reminding me not to curse too much or flash my lady business in pictures because those things aren’t becoming. Granted, I curse all the fucking time, but the lady business part I agree with. Yes, social media provides a forum for women and mothers to connect and commiserate, but if the discussion involves a body part leaking, getting cut open, sewn back together, or “freshened up,” I’d rather not read about it on social media. Something tells me I’m not alone.
Let’s check out some (more) examples:
1. Puddles
It’s common knowledge that once a woman’s body is inhabited by a parasite fetus, weird and somewhat unpleasant stuff starts happening. Nausea, bloating, back pain, and hemorrhoids are common side effects of pregnancy, as are “leaky boobs.” But if there’s one word I don’t want to read in relation to something other than rain water, it’s “puddle.” I don’t want to know about a puddle of piss, a puddle of blood, or a puddle as a result of breasts lactating, and that’s the end of THAT.
2. Mommyjacking
Cool story, Colleen, but Lorrie was just talking about laughing — not the pee that occasionally accompanies laughter after having kids. Nope. Just the act of laughing, full stop. What you said actually inspires the opposite reaction.
3. “Whohaws”
I am mildly impressed with Jessica’s spelling of “hoo-ha” — truly a spelling I would never have come up with on my own — but I’m unclear as to why she said “sure wish I could eat it” unless it was to bait questions like Stacey’s. Was Jessica luring her friends to ask questions just so she could say she doesn’t want to get a yeast infection? And do I really want to know why eating sausage casserole would bring on a yeast infection? I know you have to watch what you eat when you’re pregnant, but I didn’t realize sausage casserole = yeast infection. Noted. :/
4. Hysterectomy Blues
Ladies, ladies…. you sound like a really supportive group, and I’m sure Buffy is grateful for the comments, but discussing your hysterectomy on Facebook probably ranks at one of the Top 10 things your friends don’t want to read in their newsfeeds. Regardless of the kind of surgery you have – male or female – it’s best to keep surgical procedures performed on your nether-regions off social media. Even if you’re THRILLED about having it done.
5. Setting An Example > Telling It Like It Is
Last but not least, keep your sexual interests to yourself or take them to the proper online forum, especially if you’re a mom who’s friends with her kids on Facebook. This sign is not the same as “Keep Calm & Carry On.” It’s more like “Give It To Me Baby, Oh Yeah, Right There, Mmmm,” and if I saw my mom posting it online I would promptly vomit, de-friend her, and change my phone number. Think before you “add a new photo,” people. Do it for the children.
