STFU Parents: Moms Who Preach About Eating Their Placenta Can Stop Now
Every year, there’s a new placenta “trend” or talking point that takes the internet by storm. Placentas have become such a fetishized post-birth fascination — especially since so many hospitals still won’t allow women to bring their placenta home, forcing those who do to “smuggle” theirs out like spies — that it can be difficult to keep up with all the ways new moms (and dads!) make use of the temporary organ most of us refer to as “medical waste.” Since starting STFU, Parents, I’ve heard about various ways one can eat, preserve, and fashion hats out of placentas. Just kidding — people don’t make hats out of placentas! They make teddy bears. Cuddly, nightmarish teddy bears (with no eyes).
To be honest, my beef (so to speak) isn’t with the oddball crafters of the world who enjoy sewing up pieces of organ tissue into teddy bears, nor is it with the folks who shove their meaty sacs into plastic bags that go in the back of the freezer until it’s “time” to perform a ritualistic tree burial. (Some people do this on a baby’s first birthday, some do it on the 5th birthday, and some just hold onto the placenta until it’s frostbitten, decades-old, and completely unidentifiable.) No, my side-eye often gets cast in the direction of the placenta eaters and pill poppers. They’re the demographic that’s grown the most in the past five years, and their obsessive attitude has shown no signs of slowing down.
Of course, that’s not to say you can’t be both a crafter AND a placenta eater, depending on who you hire to do your pill encapsulation. Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram (just do a quick #placenta search) have all played a large role in the increasing popularity of the placenta craze, but the competition has risen specifically among the encapsulator set. These days, if you want to be the lucky Encapsulation Specialist someone calls after giving birth, you better bring your A game. I’m talking about cute jars with ribbons. I’m talking about customized gift tags with heart stencils. I’m talking about dream catchers made out of umbilical cords. You want a new mom’s business? You best be earning it.
Who wouldn’t want this keepsake dangling overhead whilst sleeping? Think about it: If dreamcatchers are supposed to “catch” your nightmares, why not make a dream catcher that’s a total fucking nightmare in and of itself? Makes sense to me!