STFU Parents: Moms And Dads Ruin Eating Forever

One of the most common topics of conversation that comes up after you have a baby is, understandably, poop. The color, the texture, the frequency…these are all important factors for parents to note. Privately. To each other. Not on Facebook.

Unfortunately, some parents have missed that “privacy” memo and instead opt to not only discuss their child’s poop on Facebook, but to compare it to foods that their friends otherwise used to enjoy. Trust me on this, I’ve gotten a whole lot of poop submissions over the years and at least thirty percent of them involve some kind of food that’s now been ruined for me and my dear readers forever. Like ice cream. Kimchi. Microwavable popcorn. Peanuts, potato skins and sunflower seeds. The list goes on and on.

To give you an idea of what I mean (and illustrate what not to say, even if you’re really tempted to complain to your friends or gross them out for fun), here are some key examples of the types of food/poop submissions I receive:

1. The Basic Explanation

This update is written by the type of person who isn’t even trying to gain sympathy or laughs, or even start a conversation. It’s a “just reportin’ the facts” type of update, and it’s nuthin’ but gross. The strange combination of “rotten hard-boiled eggs” (descriptive!) and burnt sugar (so specific!) is enough to make my stomach turn.

2. The New Mom Jokester

Listen up, parents: Adding “mmmm” to your disgusting updates does not make them any more palatable or amusing. Especially when curry is involved. Ughhhh.

3. The Pow-Wow

This happens A LOT. One parent posts about his/her baby’s food-related diaper discovery, and then a bunch of other parents chime in with their own “funny” story or example. “You should’ve seen Braedyn’s diaper the other day! We found cantaloupe seeds — and he’s never even had cantaloupe before!” or “Oh, my. The other night I was changing Lucy when half a Snickers wrapper appeared! Sooo gross!” Yes, parents. It IS gross. That’s why you discuss it with your close friends or relatives at the playground when your other 562 Facebook friends aren’t present.

4. The Follow-Up

Some parents, like Melissa, post with the best intentions. She was only excited about what her son ate. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, until half a dozen people piped up to tell her what to “watch out for,” coaxing her to loosen up her notions of censorship. By the third poop joke she felt compelled to follow up on the claims, and well, that’s just peer pressure gone wrong. Way wrong. Burrito diaper wrong.

5. Going Off “The Deep End”

This is worse than The Follow-Up. Not only did this dad reveal too much about his son’s bowels, but he decided to return to Facebook six hours later to reveal too much about his own bowels. This is what happens when your mind has clouded over and you no longer understand what’s share-worthy anymore. I don’t know the name for the actual condition, but it’s probably something like “Overshareitis Maximus.” Not a good sign for the future.

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