STFU Parents: Mommyjacking In A Winter Wonderland

Happy holidays fromĀ STFU, Parents! The jingle bells are ringing, the snow is falling (depending on where you live), and the fire is raging (unless, like me, you justĀ watch this). As of last week, we have officially entered The Winter Season. Let us all rejoice before sliding down aĀ flight of stairs. To help kick off the season, and to celebrate the Christmas holiday, let’s take a look at some mommyjacking examples that pertain specifically to winter weather and snowy activities. After all,Ā mommyjackersĀ don’t get a “winter break.” They’reĀ mommyjackin’Ā around the clock, 365 days a year. TheyĀ mommyjackĀ through wind, snow, ice, and hail. They’re like carolers who spread joy and good will, except their version involves trolling people on Facebook. What would the holidays be without a little friendly and/or familial unnecessary drama, am I right? Here’s what some wintertime mommyjackers had to say:

1. Teachers Should Sleep In While They Can

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Hey, Orange! ORANGE you glad you posted about wanting another day off from school due to an ice storm? L. sure is! She looks for just about any opportunity to remind people that children = NO MORE SLEEP, NO MORE LUXURY, NO MORE ENJOYMENT OF ANYTHING EVER AGAIN BECAUSE YOU WILL BE A ZOMBIE, and your status update about sleeping in fit the bill perfectly. Sleep in while you can, you lazy teacher!

2. Meltdowns In The Snow

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Yikes. While I feel for this woman, she kind of answers her own question in her comment. Clearly Red and Green didn’t have meltdowns today when they were out in the snow, that is correct, Madam! Purple sounds like she might need to pour a little Maker’s Mark into her hot chocolate the next time the kids want to play in the snow. There is no shame in consuming boozy drinks in the winter when not operating a vehicle. We all gotta get through the cold as best we can. Also, pro-tip: If Purple had allowed her kids to go outside and play naked in the snow, they would have learned in approximately 14 seconds that snow is wayyy more fun when you’re all bundled up.

 

3. Hockeyjacking

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Nice-looking hockey game, E.! ‘Tis the season to watch blood bounce on ice! BT-dubs, you have a new beautiful cousin who has nothing to do with hockey but she is SO beautiful, you’ll understand why R. hijacked your comment just as soon as you see her! Maybe you can bring her a signed puck from the game or something. šŸ™‚ The card can read: “Love, E., your cousin who found out you were born on Facebook. Such is life in the 21st century.”

4. Newborn Luging Confusion
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I love how, without Jenn’s follow-up comment, we’d think Mandy was just being a standard mommyjacker who’s “gently reminding” Jenn that luging and newborns don’t mix well. Like maybe Jenn needs to get her motherhood priorities straight… or something. You guys know how mothers shouldn’t sled, right? It’s bad for their babies! But then Jenn comes back with the bewildered, “Newborns???”, which only further cements the idea that A) Mandy is a loon who makes no sense, and B) Mandy is not worthy of joining the Backyard Luging Club. Not now, not ever.

5. Snow Day Non-Sequitur

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There is nothing better than an accidental comment left by a hostile mommyjacker who’s more than vaguely aware that motherhood is the hardest job a person can have, period. Mothers workĀ 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. They even work when they sleep, makingĀ grocery storeĀ lists and to-do lists and just more lists than you could ever possibly imagine making in your head — while sleeping — if you’reĀ not a mom. M. is so intensely committed to ensuring that her friends understand this, she’s in the habit of drive-by mommyjacking on the wrong Facebook posts. To this I say: M., get a grip, good woman! Enjoy the snow! This is the time for everyone to slow down and focus on rest and renewal. You can sew children’s mittens in your sleep if you must, but the rest of us are just hibernating in our Snuggies. That’s what the holidays and the snow are all about. šŸ˜€

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