STFU Parents: Mommyjackers Who Speak In Non-Sequiturs On Social Media

We’ve seen a lot of mommyjackers in this space, but I’ve yet to dedicate a column to one of my favorite iterations: The Non-Sequiturjacker.

So many people insist on jumping into the comments of their friends’ status updates to remark on parenting and kids — even if the original update has absolutely nothing to do with either of those subjects. These examples are hilarious not only because they usually make no sense, but because they show how little some people use social media to engage with their friends in a meaningful way.

These hijackers are so determined to spread their message or share their own news, they don’t even bother acknowledging what their friend said. It’s like if someone asked a person for directions at a gas station, and the person replied back, “My little girl loves wearing mommy’s sunglasses!” Except, if that happened in real life, the person asking for directions would probably think the other person was crazy. Online, though, non-sequiturjackers can get away with just about anything. Let’s check out some examples and quietly pity the fools who are unfamiliar with the concept of staying on-topic.

1. Pound For Pound

STFU Parents

Well, I guess I see the similarity between Amber’s seven pounds of summer fruit and Laura’s grandson’s seven-pounds of body weight…because technically they’re both hybrids? Yeah, no. Nice try, Laura.

PS: Please for the love of berry season can people get a grip on how to correctly use apostrophe’s apostrophes? That would really improve my day-to-day.

 2. Not To Change The Subject

STFU Parents

Hey, M., did you just announce that you’re changing the subject by saying that you’re *not* trying to change the subject? That wasn’t very effective. L. is currently tending to an injured bird and doesn’t give a shit about Ava in the wig. Sorry!

3. WTF²

STFU ParentsL. is a dude who’s expressing his deep thoughts on what he hates about action scenes, and his buddy David has chimed in to talk about what he hates about restaurant silverware for children. This conversation was meant to take place over a grill, not over Facebook, bros. Also, David, you might get a life or take a nap or something.

4. Cookie Time

STFU Parents

I love how R. doesn’t even pretend to care about what M. has posted. Who cares about some stupid adage — IT’S COOKIE TIME, BITCHES! Honestly, as a cookie fan I can understand that sentiment, but to push the sales in this manner is just obnoxious. Also, let your princess sell her own damn cookies.


STFU Parents

In case anyone didn’t know, I think Julianne is a turd for milestonejacking Meg’s casual update about getting married. How self-obsessed can a person be? She couldn’t even pretend to care by saying congratulations? It’s just one word. I guess being a non-sequiturjacker means never having to say you’re sorry, because you never really cared in the first place.

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