being a mom

STFU Parents: Labor Day Isn’t About Birth Stories, And Yet Here We Are

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5. So Magical I Might Barf

5.Ughhhhh. I might prefer stories about episiotomies to this “gorgeously worded” birth essay. No offense to all the parents reading this, but please believe me when I say that no one — NO ONE — over the age of 25 is unaware that “your heart is walking around outside your body” after you have a baby. Who has ever disputed this claim???!! No one! And yet parents, drunk on their own dopamine, still feel an urge to remind everyone they know that YES, “your heart cracks open,” and YES, “your capacity to love breaks wide into an endless chasm,” as if they must confirm what we’ve all heard to be true (but really though, WE KNOW it’s true…we know.). And while I’m genuinely happy for everyone who’s had a positive birth experience, I remain wholly convinced that it’s unnecessary to post this sentimental claptrap on social media instead of in a diary. #SorryNotSorry, I don’t give a shit about Lily’s “tiny king” or her magical journey. I myself took a magical journey when I first tried acid back in high school, but I don’t remember feeling the need to tell everyone about it. (But FYI, a variety of black light posters were involved and they looked sooooooo cool.)

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