Last week, I wrote about faux pas to avoid posting online this holiday season, because some parents aren’t always the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree. Whether they’re toeing the line of inappropriateness with a stupid Elf doll, or outlining an extensive list of gifts their friends should purchase for their children, many parents unfortunately fall into a predictable trap during the month of December. All year long, they’ve sat idly by, occasionally offering up cheerful slice-of-life anecdotes that make their Facebook buddies smile, until suddenly it’s December and their friends discover that they’ve gone and made a holiday card like this:
Does this say “Joyeux NoÃ«l” or what?! This photo made the rounds this week after being posted on Facebook by the apparently clueless photographer, who’s also friends with the family, and for the most part, the reaction online was, “What the fuck were these parents thinking?” Still, some people pushed back and said they thought the photo was harmless and funny. Several others indicated that “feminists” had a bunch of candy canes lodged up their asses and couldn’t just appreciate a bit of playful, if totally sexist, humor. A few people on Twitter even assured me they would’ve thought the reverse scenario would have been just as funny (with the men tied up instead), which could be true, and which I might even agree with to an extent, except then I got this:
Nope. This picture’s not that funny. Sure, I can see why the parents might’ve thought a little sadistic Menendez brothers humor might otherwise spice up Elf on the Shelf season on Facebook; I mean, what little boys wouldn’t want to terrorize their parents for forcing them to wear matching pajama sets? But sadly, I remain creeped out in all the wrong ways. I’m now realizing that the only time this “duct taped mouths” scenario was remotely clever was when the kids were the ones being tied up, and the parents made that “Silent Night” joke that went around on Pinterest a few years back. Slightly disturbing? Yes. But it was moderately funny when it was first popular. These current iterations are almost as culturally tone deaf as Michele Fiore’s Christmas Ode to the Second Amendment. In other words: The faux pas are in hearty abundance this year!
Thankfully, a mom on Facebook named Nicki swooped in to save the day with this story about her daughter:
This may be the best angry letter written by a kid to her parents that I’ve seen. And with that, I knew I needed to devote this week’s column to Mom’s Gold Star holiday submissions that *actually* make me laugh. We’ve seen plenty of misfires and supposed well-intentioned jokes that have landed flat — but what about the parents who ARE being hilarious this holiday season? What about their kids’ #middlefingeremoji hashtags accompanied by drawings of hands flipping their parents the bird? Do they not deserve to be recognized, too? After all, Santa would recognize their efforts above all others’, and I like to live my life according to what Santa would do. Rather than dwell on the outrageous commercialization of Christmas (like I will in an upcoming column!), or on the terrible sexist holiday card ideas some parents have inexplicably executed, today’s column is about those parents whose holiday updates are gifts unto us all. Their posts embody a delightful and humorous holiday spirit, making me feel like I’ve just consumed a tall glass of spiked egg nog. And not a single parent or child has their mouth sealed shut with green and red electrical tape. Let’s check out a festive batch of examples.
1. 8 Days Of Disappointment
This caption is already pretty accurate without the photo, but paired with the bored AF expression on this kid’s face and the fact that he’s spinning a shitty plastic dreidel, it’s perfect. The comment about another child named ‘Max’ takes the post to Messianic heights. It’s like a joke Woody Allen would write in a movie about being a Jew on Facebook. Someone get this kid a slice of chocolate babka, stat!
2. Xmas Lingo: Toddler Edition
Hey now, if Kanye can be commonly referred to as ‘Yeezus,’ this kid can create holiday schoolwork about Gezis. Besides, how is he supposed to know there’s no ‘z’ in Jesus? That’s like a trick question!
Close, but no cigarro. I hope this kid never learns the proper terminology and continues saying this right up through adulthood like those people who sing, “Joy to the World! The Lord has gum.” Though an ignorant existence, it makes the holidays so much more entertaining.
3. Homicide-Inducing Christmas Presents
Good luck with that, Lindsay! Or, wait, maybe I should say this so you can hear me: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, LINDSAY!! MY BROTHER HAD A DRUM SET FROM A YOUNG AGE AND MY WHOLE FAMILY WANTED TO DESTROY IT ON A DAILY BASIS, BUT YOU SHOULD BE FINE! THAT AMPLIFIED MICROPHONE ISN’T GOING TO DRIVE YOU TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY AT ALL. YOU’RE TOTALLY GONNA LOVE IT WHEN YOU’RE NOT WEARING YOUR NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES.
Only a guy named Charlie could be so reassuring about something so ominous on Christmas. Robin, your choices are as follows: A) Keep the microphone far away from an outlet, or B) Tell your kid that Santa needed it back for repairs, and then never mention it again. Your microphone nightmares are real, and they only get louder with time.
4. Unborn Santa
Some pregnant women are carrying human fetuses in their womb, while others are gestating micro versions of our favorite fictional childhood characters. And who doesn’t want to give birth to a tiny baby Santa Claus?! Talk about a li’l guy who knows if his mom has been sleeping or awake, amirite?! Hopefully he won’t gain too much weight before the delivery. Since tubby, bearded Santas are already known for getting stuck in chimneys, I can only imagine how annoying traveling through a birth canal might be.
5. Kids’ Holiday Crafts
I have no idea what kind of DIY this is, buuuut it doesn’t look like it was found on Pinterest. Then again, it’s 2015 — maybe Penelope was leaving out some Christmas Eve treats for Santa? What else would a guy who needs to stay up all night want more than a gift of prescription pills? Milk and cookies? Please. Cut out a few lines of Adderall for Santa and you WILL get that pony you’ve been asking for.
Last but not least, we’ve got Christmas Poop, aka Mr. Hankey, aka crafty Rudolph before his antlers fell off. This ornament appears destined to get hung on the tree for the next 50 years. Just look at that craftsmanship! It kind of looks like a narwhal that’s been sprayed with a shit hose. VERY festive for the holiday season, and perfect for the non-traditionalist. This kid has made his parents proud enough to display a photo of his poop art on Facebook. Isn’t that what embracing the holiday spirit is all about?