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STFU Parents: Parents Who Get Explosively Angry About Fourth Of July Fireworks Need To Chill, Part II

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5. Dear People Who Can’t Read This Status Update

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I’ve already made my feelings on ‘fake letters’ known, but for some reason I have an extra-sensitive pet peeve alarm that goes off whenever people write them on the Fourth of July. I guess it’s because the “dear so-and-so” being referenced is almost certainly within a few hundred feet of where the parent is typing the message, making the parent not only sound like a whiner, but also like a weak-willed little biatch. Taylor, you don’t need to hyphenate “jackass,” which literally everyone knows but you, and your faux-squabble with your Asshole neighbor [sic] puts you directly in the “eye roll / get over it” camp. Yeah, it sucks, but what’s important is not letting your entire friends network see just how aggravated you can be over something so predictable. Annual, even. Good thing you didn’t take it any farther than that initial gripe.

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Lol. Oh, Taylor. At least you figured out how to de-hyphenate your insults.

6. Mom’s Gold Star: Fourth Of July Traditions

6. gold star_lantern

Everything about this screenshot is perfect. The photo, the caption, and the fact that there are still parents who let their kids light Roman candles and encourage them to relish in nearly blowing their limbs off for just one day a year. Isn’t that what we should be teaching the youth of America? To stand together at the base of a (likely man-made) body of water and light up the sky without a care in the world? Maybe parents who are posting insane rants on Facebook should think a little more about this picture—i.e., the inevitable future of their Fourth of July celebrations with their kids when they’re older—and get back to complaining about something else next week.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! As I said last year, enjoy—or don’t enjoy—your weekend!

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