STFU, Parents: Facebook Sanctimommies Know Best

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One of the hallmarks of a true Sanctimommy™ is that she’s a know-it-all. You can’t be sanctimonious if you don’t know what’s best for everyone. All mothers think they know what’s best for their children, but sanctimommies (or sanctidaddies) thinks they know what’s best for other people’s children, too. That’s what makes them so likable! Haha, I kid. Sanctimommies are probably one of the most hated breeds of breeder that exist, and if I had to pick one over-generalized demographic that hates them the most, I’d have to say “all other parents” is the group that comes to mind. Sure, EVERYONE hates a righteous parent, but no one knows just how annoying some parents can be more than other parents. They’re the ones who must endure large numbers of obnoxious parents at playdates, parks, and schools, not to mention all the other places the folks who don’t have kids endure them, too. For parents, simply by having a child, the odds of running into sanctimommies on a daily basis increase by more than double. Possibly even triple, for all I know. What am I, some kind of statistical analyst? No. I’m just a person who’s all too familiar with the various hot spots sanctimommies are lurking. And I happen to be an expert on their number one favorite hangout (besides Starbucks): Facebook.

Facebook is like a melting pot for the sanctimommies of the world. It’s a platform that knows no barriers, as no parenting complaint is too minor, no judgment too harsh, no community too exclusive. If you want to be a member of a closed group called ‘Moms Against Swearing On Facebook,’ for instance, you could just start a new, almost totally identical group yourself! Bitching about minutiae and dictating what’s best for everyone has never been easier, and sanctimommies’ messages have never traveled so far, so fast. Concerned about a completely pointless plastic toy recall? Don’t just call your sister in Ohio to let her know; you can post about it on Facebook several times until you think all 847 of your friends have had a chance to see it. Feeling grumpy about a particularly upsetting parent parking space situation? Rant about it on Facebook not only to commiserate with friends, but to TEACH people how to properly use those spaces! Only a real sanctimommy knows the best ways to handle every scenario imaginable. Most of the time, you don’t even need to ask before you’re clued in. They just tell you! Hey, it’s not their fault that they’re professional multi-taskers who have ‘been there and done that’ and just happen to be a few steps ahead of the rest of the world. They’re naturally prescient beings, and they’re awesome parents to boot. That’s something to be proud of!

_INTRO_bake bread

The person who sent me the above screenshot added, “This woman constantly talks about how she woke up at 6am to bake fresh bread for her kids’ lunches, and she refers to herself as ‘the best mom in the world.'” Well, what can Jennifer say? When you’ve got it, you’ve got it. And according to most sanctimommies, not everyone can navigate life without a little guidance from some Super Moms. So why not offer it up for free on Facebook, right? If you’re a mom, and your parenting’s got it going on, as Queen Latifah might have said in the late ’90s, spread that knowledge to the masses! If you’ve got a Pro Tip to share with hundreds of people who would be wise to take your almighty advice, hurry up and share it and make a difference. Sanctimommies know that just be putting information out there, they’re helping to make the world a better, safer, more well-rounded place for children to grow up in. At the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters? Take heed, readers. Sanctimommies don’t care if you like them; they’re just doing what’s best for everyone. Let’s take a look a some examples.

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