STFU Parents: Facebook Documoms Still Fascinated By Their Children’s Infections And Fluids
For the past couple years, I’ve reflected on a strange and somewhat creepy type of parent overshare around Halloween: The Documom. Documoms (and docudads, but we’re talking about a relatively small fraction of men who do this) are a breed of parent who obsessively chronicle every bug bite, skinned knee, and — everyone’s favorite — “mouth discoveries” their children have on Facebook. For whose benefit exactly, I’m not sure, but this phenomenon is a real thing that continues to get weirder by the year. I have a (toe-)jam-packed folder of submissions pertaining to all these documom, and this is the special time of year that I get to bust them out in a column for your viewing pleasure. No need for thank you’s, as I’m very aware that you readers are eternally grateful for these collective images, many of which fall into the “close-up” category.
It’s not that I don’t see the purpose in documenting certain milestones (like a first tooth) or even snapping a picture of something anomalous or worrisome for a loved one to unhappily peer at before telling the parent to seek out a doctor’s opinion. I do get it on some precious level of basic understanding. Perhaps a parent never wants to forget the memories associated with her three-month-old’s nasty diaper rash, or she wants to create a shrine to Li’l Kaiytlynn’s Cuts ‘N Bruises with dozens of bizarre photos. Haven’t we all had a weird obsession about something at some point in our lives? I used to collect pictures of Johnny Depp when I was younger; is that really so different from a mother taking multiple photographs of her child’s eyebrow stitches? Maybe it’s not!
However, what’s weird is the way parents upload these images to Facebook, either to “showcase” their child’s ailments or physical markings, or to request medical advice from their Facebook friends, most of whom offer guesses that are followed up with, “But you might want to take him to the doctor to get a professional opinion.” This leads me to the conclusion that documoms are going to share this information regardless of any substantial reason. They want their friends and relatives to get to know their kids — really get to know them — and Facebook is the best way to make that dream a reality. Let’s check out this year’s examples of body photography that parents might want to avoid posting on social media, lest they be classified as documomtarians.
1. Yucky Cord
Hey, Lauren, thanks for the belly button cord collage, but why the hell do you think anyone wants to see this? When you write, “Seriously, who has this issue? lol” are you being facetious, prideful of your child’s “unique” cord stump healing, or just plain annoying? How about all three?
2. Big City Questions
Ah yes, it’s everyone’s favorite game, Pimple Or Boil? Is it a pimple…or a boil? You know who haven’t got a freaking clue? Random people on Facebook! I realize this was posted on a page called ‘Parenting TALK Uncensored,’ but honestly, some things CAN be censored for the sake of innocent victims’ eyes. Things like a child’s naked ass that’s been punctuated by a bright red pimple. Or a boil. Something pus-filled.
3. Toe Attack
Okay, I’ll admit it: I don’t really know what hypogam is, nor do I want to. I know it’s short for hypogammaglobulinemia, which is defined as a “type of primary immune deficiency disease,” but I don’t know much more than that. Except, of course, that it can cause your toe to turn brown and your mother to take close-ups of said brown toe and post them on the internet. Thanks for the education, Jessica!
4. Full-Body Rash
Natasha’s son has a terrible full-body rash, so crazy that it’s required viewing for her Facebook friends. Otherwise, how would they ever understand just how bad this rash was when she tells them over tea and biscotti? You tell me what makes the bigger impact: Explaining to someone, “My kid had a full-body rash. It was ALL OVER HIS BODY!” OR just posting full-body pictures to prove that he did indeed have a full-body rash? And when I say full-body, I mean FULL-body. That means his ENTIRE body. Know what I mean? Ugh, you probably don’t understand what I’m saying at all so here:
Note: Natasha’s son’s genitals were not exposed in this photo due to the aid of her manicured hand-shield, but I politely covered it with a pumpkin anyway because it just seems like the right/seasonal thing to do.
5. Severe Ear Infection
You know what makes a slightly disgusting picture of blood oozing out of a child’s ear much more disgusting? Captioning it with the phrase “gross purulent & blood tinged drainage.” What does Jessica think she is, some kind of Ear Infection Poet Laureate?
6. Ear Wax Removal
Here’s a little “TMI” for you guys: I, myself, use ear wax candles, and I have for years. For those of you who don’t use them, they look just like this, and there is something fun about seeing a tall flame shooting up out of the side of your head. HOWEVER — and everyone who uses ear wax candles knows this — the first and last rule about ear wax candles is that you must NEVER, EVER unroll the wax to discover what’s been suctioned from your ear through the magic of hippie technology. And if you’re the kind of sick freak who DOES — and I most certainly am — you must NEVER, EVER show it to anyone else, because it’s so, so gross.
Perhaps to the naked eye, this seems small and insignificant — a tiny glob of ear wax smeared across Facebook — but let me assure you, it is revolting. I know this from personal experience, and Lyndsay sums it up nicely with her caption. So here’s my question: If something that melted out of your child’s head could be described as a barf-worthy wax plug, why put it on Facebook? Better yet, why photograph it at all? The memories need no safe-keeping. Lyndsay and her son can do it all again in mere weeks, and I’m guessing they probably will. Maybe the next go-round, she can just throw away the candle before turning it into some kind of mixed media still life.
‘Ear Wax On Wood’, 2013
Materials:
beeswax
paraffin scents
heat elements
natural ear wax from human skull
wooden floor
