STFU Parents: Yoonique Baby Names To Avoid In 2015
If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that the internet’s fascination with ridiculous — and redikulously yoonique — baby names will never cease. Laughing at baby names is the great internet equalizer. It’s lowbrow humor mixed with a touch of mean girl cynicism combined with a large helping of “Are you fucking kidding me?”, and everyone can get in on the joke. You don’t need to belong to any political affiliation or religious denomination to appreciate the idiocy behind the name “Legna” (which, if you’ve been following my baby name columns, is ‘angel’ spelled backwards), nor do you need to have a baby of your own to be “qualified” to high-five with a parent over your mutual hatred of the name “Kouture.” Anyone and everyone is welcome to the Yoonique Baby Names Haters Ball, and for that reason alone, writing my annual baby names column here on Mommyish brings me great joy.
Of course, the crazier and more popular the bad names seem to get, the more I run the risk of pissing someone off. There was once a time when I could poke fun at the name Nevaeh (‘heaven’ spelled backwards) and everyone unquestionably laughed with me. But as it turns out, a lot of people actually like the name Nevaeh, and Philosophie, and Abcde, and they don’t think it’s remotely funny to laugh at something so personal as a child’s name, because it comes across as maliciously mocking (nay, bullying!) the child him/herself. I’ve even received several emails from parents explaining in great detail why they named their kid something like “Jceion,” but oftentimes the conversation reads as satire:
Parent emailing me: My father and grandfather were named Jason, and my husband’s stepdad’s name is Jason, so we HAD to go with Jason, but we really wanted something more special and unique so we went with Jceion to set him apart. NOW do you understand???!!
Me: Ummm….no?
Believe it or not, I don’t write these baby name columns to upset people or directly insult all the little Sierraleones and Subarus out there. I’m not pointing my bitchy finger in the face of any child in particular who’s named after a “Game of Thrones” character. I’m just having a little giggle whilst throwing my hands in the air and saying, “Let’s all give up now.” Besides, I feel pretty justified, given the latest story about France denying parents the right to name their kids Nutella and Fraise (sacre bleu!) coupled with the story about the $32,000 baby naming service out of the UK that guarantees the creation of a “unique” baby name by “a team of 13 naming specialists and historians.” This is a subject that’s constantly being written about and mined in the media, so I’m certainly not alone in my assessments. Not to mention, I feel it’s my duty to counterbalance the horror that is this sincere article about giving your baby a “winter name” like Kodiak, Gale, or Spruce. Don’t do that to your kids, people. No amount of hot cocoa makes that okay. No amount of whiskey does, either.
Let’s check out this year’s contenders for yoonique baby names to avoid — unless, of course, your other kids already have yoonique names themselves. Then I guess you may as well just go for it.
1. Some People Call Me The Spc Cwby
A few things we can glean from this screenshot:
– Leslie is the type of person who comments on her local news channel’s Facebook page
– Leslie is the type of person who posts random pictures of her kid on business pages
– Leslie is the type of person who chose to name her kid ‘Jokr,’ which will confuse, and then delight, and then re-confuse people for years and years to come. Why she decided to give her son the name ‘Joker,’ yet strip the name of an essential vowel, we’ll never know.
2. Some Things Never Change
The submitter of this bizarrely industrial-sounding name screenshot said, “Kexel? Really? Not even a Google names search has heard of that one other than as a German auto parts manufacturer and as a rare last name.” Ah, true, but isn’t that exactly what these parents are going for? GREAT JOB, Kexel’s parents! You guys (presumably) didn’t even need to enlist the services of a $32,000 baby naming team of historians to dream up this not-at-all-trying-too-hard, non-factory-made name. Very charming and guttural!
3. The “Cutest” Babies Have The Dumbest Names
It’s no surprise that people who like the idea of babies winning contests just for being babies also have a passion for doling out yooniquely awful names. Here’s a mere sampling, and a reminder that baby contests are no more and no less futile than turtle races.
Speaking of races…
Can you guys believe li’l AdrenaLynn is already 44 months? I swear just yesterday she was 34 months.
“Azavyer” is one of those names that assumes two wrongs make a right — too bad in this instance they don’t.
BLAYZIN KEIF is a fabulous name and will surely serve Tanner’s young lad well in life.
Don’t hate the player, y’all. Hate the game. Rainyn was a name that was destined to exist, and not just because it’s a natural(ly stupid) extension of the word/name “Rain,” but because it originated in the beloved fantasy book series “Wheel of Time.” According to WOT’s Wiki, “Rainyn is a Windfinder of the Sea Folk and serves on a smaller vessel. She has round cheeks and is by Aes Sedai standard [ed note. whatever the hell that is] very strong in the One Power,” which I assume is fantasy speak for “awesome, badass chick.” I’m not giving her — or any baby — my vote, but I can attest to Rainyn having round cheeks like her inferred namesake. Also, there are going to be a LOT more people with fantasy-inspired names in the future, which means we may as well give up on spelling altogether.
4. She’ll Be Spelling Her Name In No Time
What if I told you this child has a twin sister named Rebekiagh? Would you believe me? Doing so would mean instilling the utmost trust in me while simultaneously admitting to yourself that this is just how people name their children today — both of which shouldn’t be too hard to do at this point. Would I lie to you about little Rebekiagh’s existence? Of course I wouldn’t.
Here’s what the submitter had to say: “Heather is a girl I went to high school with, but I was previously unaware of her offspring and terrible naming abilities. Upon further investigation, I was delighted to find out that Enjelickiagh has a twin sister, Rebekiagh. Lord help us.” See?
5. I Don’t Even Know
According to the submitter, Rachel already has three kids but she’s found herself pregnant again, so she’s set up a fundraiser to help offset expenses. Oh, and she’s also naming the baby Yoshi Egg, which is either a complete and total joke in reference to the fact that Yoshi the dinosaur in Super Mario World and Mario Kart looks like a blobby fetus, OR it’s her unborn child’s stupid name, debuting on his very own Go Fund Me page. Either way, this was a bad call, Rachel. Get it together, girl. You may not have planned for this baby, but you do have nine long months to plan for a better name.
