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STFU Parents: Yoonique Baby Names To Avoid In 2015

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If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that the internet’s fascination with ridiculous — and redikulously yoonique — baby names will never cease. Laughing at baby names is the great internet equalizer. It’s lowbrow humor mixed with a touch of mean girl cynicism combined with a large helping of “Are you fucking kidding me?”, and everyone can get in on the joke. You don’t need to belong to any political affiliation or religious denomination to appreciate the idiocy behind the name “Legna” (which, if you’ve been following my baby name columns, is ‘angel’ spelled backwards), nor do you need to have a baby of your own to be “qualified” to high-five with a parent over your mutual hatred of the name “Kouture.” Anyone and everyone is welcome to the Yoonique Baby Names Haters Ball, and for that reason alone, writing my annual baby names column here on Mommyish brings me great joy.


Of course, the crazier and more popular the bad names seem to get, the more I run the risk of pissing someone off. There was once a time when I could poke fun at the name Nevaeh (‘heaven’ spelled backwards) and everyone unquestionably laughed with me. But as it turns out, a lot of people actually like the name Nevaeh, and Philosophie, and Abcde, and they don’t think it’s remotely funny to laugh at something so personal as a child’s name, because it comes across as maliciously mocking (nay, bullying!) the child him/herself. I’ve even received several emails from parents explaining in great detail why they named their kid something like “Jceion,” but oftentimes the conversation reads as satire:

Parent emailing me: My father and grandfather were named Jason, and my husband’s stepdad’s name is Jason, so we HAD to go with Jason, but we really wanted something more special and unique so we went with Jceion to set him apart. NOW do you understand???!!

Me: Ummm….no?


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