STFU Parents: 5 Ways Parents Rang In The New Year On Facebook

Happy New Year! Again. This week, before jumping into all that 2013 has to offer, I wanted to post a cross-section of submissions from New Year’s Eve. Every year, I get a bunch of submissions around New Year’s, because let’s face it — if you’re a parent, the chances of staying home (or returning home early and sober) on New Year’s Eve are pretty high.

It’s not necessarily something that can be helped, and it’s not a decision that I find “lame”; sometimes our responsibilities simply override our desires to wear silly hats and drink a bottle of champagne with friends. Sometimes it’s impossible to find a babysitter, and family doesn’t live nearby. Or sometimes you just don’t feel like going out! However, one thing that tends to happen with people who stay home (in general) on NYE is that they all wind up on Facebook. Facebook is the lifeline to whatever their friends are doing, and it’s a way for people to remain part of the evening, even if their night doesn’t involve any ice luges or loud 10-second countdowns.

So with that in mind, what were parents talking about on New Year’s Eve? For most parents, it’s a night of both gratitude and frustration. Here are 5 ways they rang in 2013 on Facebook:

1. With Class

With class_knocked up

I can’t hate on Cassie, ’cause I like an unpretentious lady, but I will say that if I posted this on Facebook — dead sober, since I’d be pregnant — my relatives would probably wonder where my parents went wrong.

2. With Poop

With Poop_butt

Mommyish readers are becoming extremely familiar with the fact that some parents can’t let a holiday go by without posting poop updates. I don’t know what it is — a reflex? a compulsion? a sign of utter delusion? — but it happens on and is to-be-expected. The only real question I have now around the holidays is, “Will the holiday poop submission(s) be about potty training, a diaper explosion, or some other variation of poop update?” With this one, it’s the latter. Sasha “dropped a ball” on New Year’s. Get it?? Hilarious.

3. With Momedy Humor

With Momedy Humor_puberty

This mom needs to chill. One of my personal pet peeves is The Mom Of The Teen who just looooooves embarrassing her kid online and having a giggle. It’s almost more irritating than parents who post about their young children before they can even read, because, as Tessa notes, kids who have hit puberty can have Facebook accounts, too. I guess she’s joking about her child having a pimple (?), which doesn’t sound too bad to my 30-year-old self, but my 13-year-old self is mortified and clinging to a tube of Clearasil.

4. With Actual Humor

With Good Humor_gold star_first lesson of the new year

Jessica isn’t wasting any time on earning a Gold Star in 2K13. She’s got her one-liner ready to go, and frankly, I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed her reply to Emily’s sassy comment, but I wish she’d replied once more with, “No, really. Gonna wrap it up and leave it on your porch. Might need new batteries. HAVE FUN.

5. With A Series Of Complaints

thank you

If there’s one type of submission I can count on at New Year’s Eve, it’s parents complaining about fireworks. Generally speaking, parents are not fond of loudness when their baby is sleeping (although they really don’t give a shit if their crying baby wakes up their neighbors, because sleep-deprived sympathy just doesn’t work both ways like that). And it’s one thing for the disruption to be in the middle of the day during nap time, but during evening hours parents get straight-up loony about their baby’s sleep.

Truth be told, on other nights of the year, I can respect that. However, on New Year’s Eve and the Fourth Of July, exceptions must be made. Especially if the fireworks are being set off around midnight. Because, you know, it’s a new year, and a holiday, and people like to celebrate. Some people. Not all!

scared to death

Fireworks are dangerous — True. Fireworks are loud and upset babies and pets — True. Fireworks should be reserved for professional use — Probably true. But do any of those points negate Yellow’s comment? Nope. I can’t disagree with any of Pink’s statements, but fireworks are already illegal in many states where people set them off for hours on certain holidays. Rule of thumb: If you’re one of very few people in your newsfeed complaining on Facebook on New Year’s Eve while everyone else is out celebrating, perhaps they’re not the anomaly.

submitting to STFUP

This is my favorite example of the three, and not just because of Tori’s shout-out, but because Melanie’s comment is the Angry Parents Facebook equivalent of “Get off my lawn!”

Parents (and Aunts!), every time you want to complain on Facebook about celebrations that are taking place on major holidays, ask yourself if you sound like a 90-year-old with her hearing aid turned up too high. If the answer is yes, put in some ear plugs and remind yourself that it’s just one night. Besides, who wants to start a new year in a bad mood? That’s even worse than a hangover.

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