Childrearing

STFU Parents: 5 Summertime Facebook Tips For Parents

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It’s that time of the year again when I wipe the sweat from my brow and discuss a few summer-specific Facebook updates. As I mentioned in last year’s summer column, these seasonal updates flow to my inbox like water from a hose in a baby pool, proving that many parents’ summer experiences are universal. Baseball games, days spent hoping your child won’t be The One who drops a deuce in the community pool, figuring out which overpriced camp to send your kid to, etc. are all cornerstones of summertime, inasmuch as posting on Facebook has become a cornerstone of parenting. When parents need to commiserate during those few “blessed” months their kids are home from school, Facebook is a prime way to go about doing so. Especially since most parents know that at least a few of their friends will be checking their newsfeed when an update goes up, because most parents are on the edge of insanity from being around their kids so much.

I get it, I do; social media is the best way to actively engage with the digital world when the real world is full of mosquitos and sticky Popsicle hands. However, just because parents want to communicate their summertime experiences with their friends doesn’t mean everything they’re posting about needs to be documented. Here are several examples of updates parents might want to stay away from this summer, along with a Gold Star example for good measure. Keep it cool, everyone.

1. Sunburn Updates

STFU Parents

Three years ago, I got my first “dead skin” submission, and I’ve been grossed out ever since. Yes, we’ve all likely been burned at some point in our lives and experienced peeling skin, and sure, on some level it can be fun to pull it off (I guess). You’re a new person, like a moulting snake that’s shed its outer layer, and it’s oddly satisfying to absentmindedly peel the dead skin while watching a “Real Housewives'” marathon. However, it’s also one of those things that doesn’t need mentioning online, nor is it worth posting that your kid is doing it for you with a “mood status” like “feeling crispy.” You know what’s good when crispy? Bacon. You know what’s gross when crispy? Human flesh.

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