Childrearing

STFU Parents: 5 Reasons To Keep Your Baby’s Constipation Off Facebook

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If there’s one thing I’ve seen a lot of since starting STFU, Parents, it’s poop. I’ve got poop submissions coming out of my ears, and I’m talking descriptions, pictures, occasional galleries…the works. There’s a never-ending stream of crap coming through my inbox, so much so that I’ve had to splinter off sub-categories, including two I’ve already written about in this space (Moms and Dads Ruin Eating Forever and Five Reasons Not To Discuss Your Child Potty Training On Facebook). I’ve even created sub-sub-categories, and trust me, you don’t want to know what those smell like. So in a feeble attempt to rid my folders of these foul submissions, I’ve decided to introduce Mommyish readers to yet another sub-category that every single parent can relate to: Constipation.

The thing about baby constipation, as most parents know, is that it can last for days. There does come a point when it’s actually dangerous that a baby hasn’t shat in its diaper, but the majority of the time the baby goes just before they hit that wall, so to speak. Because of this, you’d think most parents would at least wait until the baby has surpassed the poop deadline before discussing the details on Facebook, but no, you would be wrong. You would even be wrong if you thought most parents knew how to relieve a baby’s constipation (or attempt to relieve it) without consulting their Facebook friends. I’m actually convinced that many of these perplexed parents haven’t even heard of Google. The point being, constipation submissions have been clogging my folders for months, and today my hard drive is finally getting a colonoscopy. So put down your snacks, and enjoy:

1. Gloop

“…cuz the poop will just change to gloop.” I dare you to erase that rhyme from your memory. Also, it’s ironic that Darren and Sarah are discussing constipation, because it appears their sentences have the runs. Get it?! As in, run-on sentences? Because they can’t use proper punctuation?

I’ll stop now.

2. Updates

 

Posting that you’re feeding your baby prunes *seems* harmless enough, except that you’re essentially inviting someone to engage you in some literal shit talk. Not to mention, was the update really necessary? I’ll take simply knowing your kid is eating prunes any day over knowing the exact moment he pooped. Please don’t doo that to your friends. The general rule is, you don’t want to know about my bowel movements, and I don’t want to know about your kid’s. Even if he craps gold, which I’m fairly certain is impossible. (But if he does, I will accept a fancy new watch in exchange for hearing about your son’s “poop progress.”)

3. Play-By-Plays

The play-by-play is worse than the generic update because it involves detailed descriptions and words like “gas,” “massive poopy diaper,” and “wet.” Also, if you’re going to write about your son’s diarrhea, at least spell it correctly. After three plus years of running STFU, Parents, I just want to hand out flashcards to new parents so they know how to properly spell words like “diarrhea,” “castor oil” (NOT castrol oil, folks!), and “circumcised” (NOT “circumsized” like you’re going through a bizarre genitals-themed drive-thru).

4. TMI

 

N. already says it all here, but I’ll add something to that comment: If there’s a convenient word that sums up whatever it is you’re describing, use that word. Don’t give the definition of constipation. Just say (if you must), “My poor boy is constipated.” That’s it. Nothing more. People will get it, and you won’t even have to use the word “stuck.”

5. Facebook Isn’t a Parenting Forum Board

I know it’s helpful to get advice from your real life friends, rather than from strangers on a forum board, but Facebook is not a baby book or a moms group. If a parent wants to reach out to friends to ask about baby gear or to get a few sleep-training tips, fine. But you’ve got to draw the line somewhere, even if you’re being polite. Not every Facebook friend wants to read about “newborn talk,” as Lisa bravely asserts. I’m guessing the word “suppositories” is what finally pushed her over the edge. If there’s one thing that has no place on Facebook, it’s baby laxatives. Thankfully this time, there were no pictures. Yet.