STFU Parents: A Mother’s Love On Valentine’s Day, Volume II
Last Valentine’s Day, I introduced a slightly “taboo” subject about the ways to define a mother’s love for her son(s), and this year I’m back with another installment. As I mentioned last year, I understand that the love between a mother and son is a magical thing. It’s easy to see why a mom wouldn’t want her little boy to become a man overnight. The love that sons have for their mothers at a young age is so precious, it’s no revelation that women want to shout from the rooftops that their boys are the sweetest, most affection children ever born.
However, there’s a difference between being proud of that bond and being obsessed with it. Some women take their “mother’s love” and turn it into something that goes beyond your average Hallmark card. And with Facebook acting as a stand-in diary, they’re penning love notes to their sons or bragging about their “relationship” in status updates on a regular basis. I don’t think these women are feeling anything for their kids that other mothers don’t feel; they’re just choosing to express those feelings publicly, like a teenage boy standing on a cafeteria table in an ’80s movie. They want the world to know that their kid is their greatest creation, and that being a mother has opened their eyes to a different kind of love. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve compiled several examples that showcase what a mother’s love on Facebook really looks like. If you thought exhibiting love for a child was as simple as posting a picture with the caption “My little man!,” boy, are you wrong.
1. Crushes
This is one of those status updates where the first two lines sound reasonable until you realize you’ve been set up. First, Lynelle thinks her kid is a miniature Matt Muenster. Then, Lynelle thinks her kid is going to grow up to be Matt Muenster. And THEN, Lynelle admits that she has a crush on Matt Muenster, which now just sounds creepy and weird. Should’ve stopped while she was ahead.
2. Oedipus Complex
Apparently Brian is Lauren’s boyfriend, which at least indicates that she’s not “committing” to her son anytime soon. However, calling her son’s love an “Oedipus complex” and then saying she “loves it” gives me a case of the shudders. I know “Oedipus complex” has gone from meaning “love and sex between a mother and son” to “boys who tell their mommies that they’re pretty,” but those of us who accurately remember the story know better.
3. 1st Tattoo
I covered up Liam’s ass crack to try to save him what little dignity he has left now that his mom has taken to his butt with magic marker. Or hey, maybe she used a Sharpie so it would last longer. Anyone wacky enough to write on her own baby probably prefers permanence.
4. Date Night
These are the submissions that weird me out the most. I’m surprised she didn’t describe the way they gazed into each other’s eyes as they discussed Mike’s algebra homework. Tell me, Jennifer, did Mike butter your rolls? Did you listen to “Call Me Maybe” on the radio on the way to Olive Garden and hold hands? Your story is very sweet, but your friends don’t need the wordplay. Just give it to us straight.
5. Extended Nursing
If there’s one thing I don’t need to hear about, or see, it’s a woman’s justification for not weaning her child. I get it — mother’s milk is best, nursing is beautiful and natural, kids wean when they want to, etc. But in this instance, it almost sounds like Hillary is saying, “I know I should be weaning my son, but he just loves mommy’s breasts SO much. How could I deny him all of this awesomeness?” Ugh. Put the camera down, put your shirt on, and stop telling the world this private information. It doesn’t make you “better.”
6. Snot In The Face Of Tragedy
I received this submission after the Sandy Hook shootings, and all I can say is…eeeew. I’m thrilled for Dawn that she has a child who’s alive and healthy, but her “licking” boogers off her lips is something I’m sure no one wanted to know. BOOM a mother’s love has NO boundaries, and Dawn is here to prove it!
Thanks, Dawn. We weren’t sure about that fact until now. And oh yeah, they make these things called “napkins.” You might want to look into keeping some handy, unless you just like eating your kid’s boogers, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me.
