5 Foolproof Tips For Liberating Your Kid’s Halloween Candy


As much as I love Halloween, one thing is for sure. It’s a lot of damn WORK. Between slapping costumes and makeup on my squirmy, wormy kids, schlepping off to the approximately ten thousand school Halloween functions they seem to have and jackassing into the darkness on the thirty first to pester our neighbors for goodies, Halloween can be downright exhausting. But one thing makes it all worth it. The candy. Or more specifically, stealing Halloween candy awesomeness when the kids aren’t looking.

My husband Don and I ever have a little Halloween tradition. We pack up our brood, get in the car and drive 20 or 30 blocks or so to the poshest side of the neighborhood (AKA Full-Sized Candyland). Our motto is go big or go home.

I’ll be totally frank here. Whether it’s hormones, boredom, stress, or Scandal is on, there is always a reason to purloin my kid’s candy stash. Don’t lie, we all do it. When the kids were younger, I could get away with it with ease Now? It’s like some Mission Impossible shiz up in here. Over the years I’ve become somewhat of an expert on stealing Halloween candy shenanigans, and I figured there are probably some poor schlubs who could use my expertise. So here is my guide to foolproof guide to snaffling some of that sweet, sweet sugary goodness without looking like the candy thieving douchecanoe that you are.

1. Keep An Eye Out For Your Faves

stealing Halloween candy

Know what your favorite candy is and be ready at any moment to pocket that shit. Kid needs to pee mid-trick-or-treat? BOOM, handful of nougaty heaven in your pocket.

2. Practice Your Candy Poker FaceĀ 

stealing Halloween candy

Did you somehow miss out on on a preemptive strike? No problemo. The key to making sure that all your faves are still there is to never let your little bugger know which ones you want. Because that will ALWAYS be the ones they magically want. Your kid could hate candy corn with the passion of a thousand suns, but the moment you ask him to save you some, NOPE, that will be all he wants. Think I’m kidding? You’ve been warned.

3. Danger Is Everywhere…

stealing Halloween candy

Or at least you can pretend it is. One of the most surefire ways I’ve learned to openly poach my precious offspring’s candy is to warn them about the inherent dangers of said piece. “What’s that? A Tootsie Pop? You’re just asking for a mouthful of broken teeth. I’d better take that! Same thing goes for Nerds, Milk Duds and jaw breakers. See how much I love you?!” Swear to them that they’ll thank you later and then nosh away, guilt-free.

4. Civics Class 101

stealing Halloween candy

You know all the thankless, tedious drudgery you do all year long, parents? Well, here is your chance to even the score. I like to use Halloween as a handy, dandy civics lesson for my kids. See, the candy we pirate from my brood isn’t really candy. NO. It’s actually a “tax” for all the work we do. All that butt wiping we did when they were babies? That kind of essential service simply does not come free.

5. When In Doubt, Deny, Deny, Deny

stealing halloween candy

At this point, dear parents, if you’ve managed to mess up the above tips, then there is only one more piece of advice I can give. DENY everything. “Hey mom, did you take the last full-sized Snickers bar?” NO WAY, NO HOW. I will usually say “Maybe it was a candy looting gremlin. But it was probably your dad.” Then I run away to wash the chocolate from my hands.

(Photos: MikesFreeGifs.com)

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