Twitter / @iambburson; Instagram / @starbucks
The world has gone unicorn-crazy, and Starbucks is getting in on the action. This week, they unveiled their limited-time Unicorn Frappuccino Blended CrÃ¨me drink. The drink, described by Starbucks as having “magical flavors that start off sweet and fruity, then transform to pleasantly sour,” changes color when mixed with a straw. It’s topped with whipped cream and “pink and blue fairy powders.” Excuse me while I roll my eyes. Anyway, the Unicorn Frappuccino is apparently a pain in the ass to make, and one employee has basically flipped his lid over it.
Starbucks Barista Braden Burson took to twitter on Wednesday to, in his words, “rant a little bit.” “As most of you know, I work at Starbucks, and the new Unicorn Frappuccino came out today.” After explaining that the drink was teased online several weeks ago, lots of people wanted to try it when it was finally available in stores. “Well, today it came out, and I have to tell you PLEASE DON’T GET IT!” Burson screamed into his camera.
“I have never made so many frappuccinos in my entire life! My hands are completely sticky, I have unicorn crap all in my hair and on my nose, I have never been so stressed out in my entire life!”
Jesus Christ dude, can you dial it down a little? If making a drink stresses you out that much, life is going to get really hard for you when you get older. Also, can you PLEASE fucking PULL OVER when you make your twitter rants? I can’t even handle how you are driving and screaming into your phone. WTF are you thinking?
The tweet has been deleted, but the internet never forgets:
Burson went on in his rant to ask people NOT to order the Unicorn Frappuccino. “If you love us as baristas, DON’T ORDER IT!” Yeah, telling customers not to order something is not really a great way to make you popular with the bosses, bro. “It’s so difficult to make, and people were coming in left and right, in the drive through, we don’t know which type of frappuccinos go where, we just hand ’em out!”
Braden ends his rant by shrieking, “For the love of God and everything that is good, DON’T GET THE UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO!”
Bro, I was once a bartender at a beach bar that specialized in blended drinks. They’re a pain to make, I know. But you do it because it’s your job. Plus, the Unicorn Frappuccino is only available for a few more days, so it’s not like you’re going to be making this ridiculous thing forever. And judging by the reviews, I don’t see many repeat customers.
Braden, you have my word: I’m not going to order the Unicorn Frappuccino. If I’m going to drink that many calories, it better have alcohol or caffeine in it.