The Sproutling Baby Monitor Will Give You A $300 Paranoia Complex

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sproutling-baby-monitorI feel like I have to start this post by admitting that I am pretty technologically averse. Recently my phone stopped collecting email and it took me about a week to realize it because I mostly use my phone as a phone and sometimes as a flashlight if it’s really dark and I’m trying to navigate the house without waking people up. So I might be kind of a crotchety “kids these days” kind of person.

With that said, I think that Sproutling, the new wearable technology for babies is astoundingly stupid.

Sproutling, which is available for preorder now through the website, is an ankle monitor for your lil’ convict that pairs with a smartphone app to give you brilliant insights into your child’s well being. According to the website:

With a band that sits around your baby’s ankle, you just know more. The band is equipped with a smart sensor that senses heart rate, skin temperature, motion and position. It communicates with the app on your phone and lets you know if your baby is sleeping soundly or if something is wrong.

To be precise, it will measure your baby’s movements, body temperature, and more to do a few major things. It will tell you when your baby is asleep and estimate what time they will wake up and when your baby is awake, it will let you know if your baby is happy or fussy. It can also let you know when the TV or your happenin’ adult party is getting too loud and you are risking waking your kid up.

So, about that:

Babies are really good at letting you know when they wake up, because they usually scream their little heads off. So this isn’t particularly new, and if your child is a “wake up and giggle” kind of kid, please leave now because no one likes you.

Just kidding, but seriously, there’s nothing here that a baby monitor or a walk to your child’s room can’t tell you. As far as monitoring volume and activity, trust me when I tell you that you don’t need the Sproutling to tell you that the T.V. is too loud, because I will tell you and it won’t even cost you $299.

Your T.V. is always too loud. Learn where the closed captioning button is and learn to love it, my friends.

I was not a paranoid parent, but something like the Sproutling (or the Mimo, a onesie that does similar things) would have ensured that I would became one. You don’t need a barrage of information like this unless you’re hoping to develop a permanent nervous tic.

Now, if you have a child that has respiratory or cardiovascular issues, I could see wanting to have this information, but there are already medical grade monitors for things like that.

Can we truly do nothing without technology now? I mean, I know how crusty that sounds but seriously. Sometimes my friends will tell me about some parenting gadget that they “can’t live without” like video monitors or some app or for some reason not entirely clear to me, wipe warmers, and I just sort of side eye them.

You can live without them. They might make your life easier, but they aren’t necessities in even the loosest sense of the word. The same thing goes for Sproutling. Unless you are in dire need of a complex, in which case you better go preorder one right away.

(Image: Sproutling)