being a mom

The 9 Types Of Special Snowflake Children Who Aren’t Special At All

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200264191-001Most of us just have average kids. They get decent grades, they are somewhat attractive, they have good days and days where we consider leaving them on the side of the road. On occasion they act in exceptional ways, and they surprise us by how insightful, caring, or funny small humans can be. I’m cool with that, you’re probably cool with that, but do you know who isn’t cool with that? Any parent that you dare suggest that their kid is “average” to. And most of us don’t, because as soon as one of the special snowflakes’ moms goes on their diatribe about how special their little spawn actually is, our eyes sort of glaze over and we start calculating the price of buy-one-get-one-free butter on sale this week, and whether or not you can actually freeze butter or if it gets weird. These special snowflake children are nowhere near as annoying as their parents are. What are the most common types of special snowflake kids? Why, I’m so glad you asked.

The Early Achiever

This baby does everything first. Rolls over first, holds its head up first, crawls first, says its first words first. It doesn’t matter if you just wanted to casually mention how your baby has started eating solids, this mom will tell you her kid has been doing it for months.

The Exceptionally Beautiful Child 


This baby probably just looks like a baby to you and me, but according to their parent this baby is the most beautiful baby of all time, and casting agents are always stopping this parent to exclaim “Your child should really model.” Keep in mind, these are probably those same “agents” who have a kiosk in the mall and who will charge parents a few hundred bucks so their kids can attend “modeling school” but this parents takes all this talk of how gorgeous their kid is seriously. They will enter every “beautiful baby” Internet contest and demand you vote for their dumb looking kid on your Facebook page.

 The Painfully Shy Child 


Yes, there are kids who are actually painfully shy. Greeting adults or interacting with other kids is difficult for them. These are not those children. These are the children of parents who refuse to acknowledge the fact their kid is actually rude and just doesn’t feel like displaying decent manners. This kid is totally “shy” in the sense they are a sneaky little monster who will get your kid into all sorts of trouble. The parents use the “painfully shy” label in order to excuse everything from not saying hello to why their kid opened three two-liter bottles of soda in your garage after they had shaken them up. They did it because they are PAINFULLY SHY.

The Baby Einstein 


Everything this kid does is brilliant to their parents, and they are pretty positive they are “exceptional” or “gifted” because they are amazing at playing with the Bubble Guppies app on the iPad. They will get all excited when you are with their older baby and say things like OK spell cat and when their kid says something instead like Car you are expected to be amazed. The parents who give birth to these special snowflakes are the same sorts of parents who schedule a meeting with the principal if their kid gets an ‘B+” on a science quiz in middle school.

 Mama Or Dada’s Lil’ Athlete 


This kid has been taught from a very early age that they will be reliving their parent’s college football career or tennis career or track records. Their parents casually drop into every conversation how “excited” their six-month-old gets when the game is on and show you many a photograph of them wearing a matching jersey with other family members. They also may be trying to start a pee-wee team for three-year-olds.

The Little Gentleman


Or princess. This kid doesn’t do anything except be a normal kid, except their dumb parent usually totally overdresses them for any playdate and has taught them how to say “Thank you.” When their kid does say “Thank you” their parent will exclaim they are such a little gentleman, in case you forget to mention how incredible it is that their five-year-old in a two hundred dollar sweater said thank you. 

 The Free Spirit


This kid is totally destructive and usually throws toys, food, and small household pets. But it’s OK, it’s not that they are lacking discipline, they are just a free spirit.

The Allergic To Everything Kid 


I’m not talking about kids who have a doctor diagnosed allergy to things like certain foods or bee stings and all that. I’m talking about the kids who have parents who give a long list of everything single thing their child cannot come in contact with, including the color yellow. Because their kid is allergic to yellow. Allergies are a real and serious issue, parents who decide to Münchosen their kids are a different issue.

 Daddy’s Girl Or Mommy’s Boy 


Most kids go through a phase where they seem to have a preference to one parent over the other. This doesn’t mean your kid is special, it just means that the parent they are liking more at any given moment is usually the one who said yes when the other parent said no.

(Images: getty images)