Pop Culture

Your Favorite Douchebro Just Found A Way To Jerk Off And Offend Women At The Same Time

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spank ragJust when you thought your day was safe from dry-heaving, here comes a new product called “Spankrags.” They’re tissues that have a picture of a girl’s face with her mouth open on them. Let that sink in for a moment, for lack of a better phrase. Now, ready to go tear this idea a new one? Sweet. Let’s go.

The tissues were created by Irish and German designers Jonathan Courtney and Thomas Viehweger, who, had they not spent all of their time working on Spankrags, could have been busy never finding a cure for cancer. In my head, Courtney and Viehweger said to themselves, “Sure, there are a lot of places men can find visuals to masturbate to. But it’s so damn inefficient to have to type in a word and click the first link that comes up using only one hand. Not to mention the impact that energy waste has on the environment. What if — hear me out — what if we made something with a woman’s face on it that could go straight into the garbage? Take out the impersonal laptop and leave your spunk between you, a tissue, and your judgmental God?”

So they chose to combine them, not unlike the great two-in-one shampoo with conditioner, or the beer helmet. Thinking creatively while they were drunk, because of course they were, they decided to take pictures of attractive women with their mouths open and put them on a tissue so that men can imagine that they are masturbating directly into the face of someone they respect.

Clearly, however, a lot of sensitivity went into the development of this product:

“Should we make it multicultural?”

“Sure. Let’s throw an Asian in there.”

Obviously, this product is disgusting. And while some might feel that I’m overstating it, I also find it dehumanizing. To me, when you put a real woman’s face on an object and then use it to jerk off into, that’s not particularly forward-thinking. Look at the picture, people. Is it that great a leap to say that they’re calling women Spankrags? These anonymous, willing women have no names and are not even referred to as people – they are just Spankrags. So, yeah. I’m going to go ahead and offended.

I should say, however, that the men behind Spankrags consider it a gag gift (pun intended) and a harmless joke. In fact, they care deeply about women. From an interview with Vice:

“But women are really close to our hearts and we already thought about a treat for them. Our latest idea is penis-shaped tampons.”

Oh, Jesus-H-Roller-Skating-To-The-Hits-Of-The-Eighties Christ.

Unfortunately for Courtney and Viehwager, there are still a few kinks to work out with Spankrags before they can broaden their demeaning empire. As Courtney said, also to Vice:

“…somebody told us the current paper feels a bit scratchy on their penis, so we definitely have to work on that.”

Yes. Perhaps.

(Photo: Twitter)