How Your Conception Song Will Shape Your Future Child’s Personality

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6. Lady Marmalade –The Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya, and Pink version


Prepare yourself for the theater, and by that I mean the theatre. That’s right, you’re about to birth a theatre kid. Get ready to listen to the soundtrack from RENT every day for the rest of your life and find your home covered in Cabaret memorabilia. You will have to sit through endless productions, take your kid to Sardi’s as a birthday present, and live out your own version of Glee Hell. You brought this on yourself.

7. “Adorn” – Miguel


Um, I can’t really comment on the type of person you’ll produce, but, yeah, maybe try this one if you and your partner have some free time later. Just, you know. Yeah.

8. “Ayo Technology” – 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake


If you’re celebrating getting to bone your long distance love in person and also hoping that your union will result in a pregnancy, “Ayo Technology” might fit the bill. Unfortunately, it will also result in a your kid being an old school tech dweeb–not the cool kind who takes over Silicon Valley, but the kind who lives on Reddit and in your basement. He or she will probably make his or her living selling refurbished laserdiscs players on eBay.

9. “Motivation” – Kelly Rowland


Honestly, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t feel old or mature enough to listen to this song. It’s not overly vulgar or anything, but the breathiness of it all makes me blush. If you can get past that, this song is likely to result in one hell of an encouraging fetus. Potential future careers include personal trainers or kindergarten teachers. On the other side, you might end up with the type of person who likes talking about bodily function or some such, just to watch people squirm.

10. “Fade Into You” – Mazzy Star


Your child will grow up to be a Julia Sonenshein-type–a self loathing hipster unqualified for real life and with skills only an art teacher or barista could love. I am so sorry.

Photo: Dean Drobot/Shutterstock

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