This Sleep Calculator Will Tell You Exactly How Much Sleep You’ve Lost Since Having Kids

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You know that old adage, “Sleep when the baby sleeps?” I heard that so many times when my oldest was a baby. And I tried. LORD did I try. But what happens when the baby … doesn’t sleep? According to a new sleep calculator for parents, we don’t either. Hillarys, a company out of the UK that sells window treatments, has come up with some kind of formula that tells you exactly how much sleep you’ve lost since having kids. I’m not sure I needed this information, but if they were aiming to make me cry, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Enter the sleep calculator

Peter Pan GIF no sleep

Sleep is for suckers. And people without kids.

How it works is pretty simple. You enter your kid’s age, and add another line for each child. Then you hit “Calculate My Lost Sleep”, and the sleep calculator rudely and maliciously tells you why the bags under your eyes look like luggage. I tried it out for my kids, ages 7 and 3, and let’s just say I am tired. I am so very tired.

The clouds floating by in the background on the website are an especially soothing and cruel touch.

First, enter your children’s ages in the sleep calculator.

sleep calculator

Image: Hillarys

Once you’ve entered the ages for your children, hit the calculate button. Maybe pour some wine first. At the very least, you should be seated for this.

sleep calculator

Image: Hillarys

I’m not great at the maths, so I appreciate the breakdown. And also I don’t? It feels unnecessary and mean. Like maybe I didn’t need to know that I have lost NINE MONTHS OF SLEEP. Just give me the big number and let me not do the long division myself, thank you very much.

It doesn’t end there, either. Hillarys has calculated all kinds of shit for you, yay!

Ever wonder how many diapers you’ve changed? I didn’t! But it told me anyway.

diaper calculator

Image: Hillarys

I feel like the British think that if they call them nappies, it makes them cute. But it doesn’t. This next one actually made me smile, because my youngest LOVES lullabies. Except she picks the sweetest songs, the same two every night: “Santa song” (“Santa Clause is Coming to Town”, and yes I know it’s August), and “Baby Mine” from Dumbo.

lullaby calculator

Image: Hillarys

As cute as it is, I’d still trade a song a night for a nap.

We all know sleep deprivation is brutal. Have you ever accidentally (or on purpose, whatever floats your boat) put breast milk in your coffee because you were so tired? Well, you’re not alone!

breast milk in coffee

Image: Hillarys

Or walked out of the house with your clothes on inside out? Although this one doesn’t specify if it’s purely sleep deprivation related, or if it’s to hide spit up/boogers/cereal/whatever else that your kid has just wiped on you. Because we’ve ALL done that.

clothes inside out

Image: Hillarys

I think my favorite part of this sleep calculator is that it was brilliantly dreamed up by a company that sells window treatments. Baby keeping you up? Get her some new blinds! I’d like to see what they have in a nice curtain for my kid’s eyeballs, tbh. In the meantime, if you’ll excuse me, I have nine months of sleep to catch up on.

(Image: Hillarys)