being a mom

10 Signs That You’re Being House-Shamed By A Sanctimommy

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woman in questioning pose comicOnce upon a time, I was the type of mom who had a pristine, spotless house. Everything had a place and as long as everything was IN it’s place, I was a happy camper. But of course, this was back in the days when I had one set of little toes pitter-pattering around the house, instead of three. Nowadays, on any given day, my house looks like a very tiny tornado blew threw it. Or rather three very tiny tornadoes. I try my best to keep up with it, but there always seems to be a sink full of dishes (tiny NYC apartments aren’t very conducive to a dishwasher, though I’ve heard the suggestions 1000 times!), a hamper full of mud stained clothes and a living room filled with Spiderman and Dora toys. It’s not exactly dirty, per se, but it’s not tidy either. And it always seems to hit peak mess-ocity when someone happens to “pop by for a visit” (which is my nice way of saying they come by without the courtesy of a phone call because they fucking suck). And then comes the house-shame. How do you know you’re being house-shamed? Let me tell you.

10. “Oh, look SO tired!”

No shit, Sherlock. It’s 9:30 in the morning, I’m trying to get three kids ready for school and YOU show up with your “real” clothes and your well-caffeinated energy. Of course I look tired. Unless you have a trenta sized black cup of Starbucks magic behind your back, excuse me while I see you OUT.

9. “You look busy…”

They always say this with a questioning tone in their voice, while looking over my shoulder at the pile of unfolded laundry on the couch and the dirty plates on my coffee table as if to say “You look busy…but shouldn’t you be folding those Iron Man undies instead of playing Words With Friends on your phone?”

8. “Maybe you should hire a maid.”

Maybe you should offer to pay for this maid!

7. “What is it you do again?”

I work from home, so this might be more specific to me and other WAHMs. This person hasn’t forgotten what I actually do for a living, she’s just trying to understand why it’s more important than making sure my couch is cat-hair-free. Ya know, Sanctimommy? Because I value paying my damn bills more than keeping my cat’s hair off your dress. Especially when I didn’t invite you over in the first place.

6. “It helps to teach your kids to pick up after themselves.”

You should see the place when they don’t pick up after themselves!

5. “I guess some people just value their space more”

You know what I value more than my space/home/little kingdom (or whatever version of this is being thrown at me)? My sanity. I value a clean home as much as the next gal, but when there’s bills to be paid, boo boos to be kissed and yes, rounds of Words With Friends to be played, sometimes the dishes gotta wait till the morning. Ain’t hurting anything (except your moral indignation).

4. “It must be nice not to care what people think about you!”

It is. It really, truly is. You should try it sometime!

3. “I would come over more if you’d take care of the cat hair situation”

Bwahahaha! My evil plot to keep you away is working! Seriously, is this a threat?

2. “How many kids do you have again?”

Technically? Three. But some days it feels like 30. Actually, most days it feels like 30…

1. “Back in my day things were done differently.”

You mean the “good old days” when abortion was illegal but spousal rape wasn’t?

(Photo: PathDoc/Shutterstock/