I Convinced Myself I Was Pregnant Every Month For Two Years
Now that I am on the other side of infertility – I’m starting to remember certain things I was dealing with on my three year trek to become pregnant. I’ve heard of phantom pregnancies – but what I experienced was a little different. I guess I’ll call it “phantom pregnancy symptoms.”
Almost every month, a few days before my period, I would absolutely convince myself I was pregnant. I was nauseas. I was tired. I had splitting headaches. I would go to the store and buy a pack of First Response. Don’t ask me why I never just ordered the cheap dollar ones that come in bulk. Something about doing that felt too much like I was admitting I was part of a group that I didn’t want to be a member of.
I drove myself crazy. For about five days every month I waited for that magic time when pregnancy test were finally able to work. I always had a regular period, so it’s not like I couldn’t have waited a couple days to really be sure I was late. I never did though. I always took the walk to the Target in downtown Brooklyn and bought those damn expensive pregnancy tests. I spent hundreds of dollars on those things.
Then there was the torturing myself over when to take it; should I wait until morning? Nope – too excited. I stared at those sticks so long and hard it’s actually amazing that I didn’t will a line to appear. I’ve read The Secret; I know how this stuff works. I’m pretty sure the only thing I managed to do during this time was convince my husband that I was totally insane.
Because Mother Nature is a total bitch, early pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are really similar. So when you are waiting for that day to come when you can actually test – it is really easy to convince yourself that something way more monumental than PMS is happening.
This obsessive testing didn’t do me any good. Had I waited, one of my miscarriages probably would have passed completely unnoticed. If I could give anyone who is so anxiously anticipating a pregnancy advice it would be – don’t test the first day of your missed period. Just let the week pass. If you aren’t pregnant, your period will probably come in that time and you will save yourself the agony of taking the test, waiting and seeing yet another single line.
Actually, screw the advice. I’ll just say, you’re not insane for putting yourself through this. A lot of us have been there.
(photo: nanka/ shutterstock)