There are many times when you might think you’re pregnant, and you freak out and text your sister and go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test only to breathe a big sigh of relief. You’re not pregnant! THIS TIME. The sky has never looked so blue! The air has never smelled so sweet!
Then there are those times when you just know. You are so very pregnant. You are so very screwed. Or, maybe you are so very happy because you have been trying to conceive for months or years. In that case, you have my most sincere congratulations. Even if your pregnancy news was unexpected, you deserve congratulations too””you have some wild and wonderful times coming your way!
With my very scientific guidelines, you don’t even need a pregnancy test. Here are 12 ways to know that you are absolutely knocked up, beyond a shadow of a doubt:
1. You wake up hating everyone and everything you see, without any plausible explanation.
2. Your boobs have morphed into undetonated missiles strapped to your chest overnight.
3. Your favorite egg sandwich for breakfast smells like barfy processed cheese.
4. Water tastes bad. Real bad.
5. Your coffee is really fucking strong.
6. Your body is so tired, why is it so tired?
7. You could sleep all day, and then you do.
8. Your head feels like a giant helium balloon and also a ton of bricks.
9. You accuse your husband of kicking you in your sleep because your lower back hurts like a mother.
10. You suddenly discover that the restroom at work is responsible for that funky floral smell permeating the office after using it for the 1000th time in one hour.
11. You consider quitting your job over your coworker’s perfume stench.
12. You see a baby on the street, and a single, beautiful tear rolls down your face.