Childrearing

Shark Week: 8 Ways Toddlers And Sharks Are Exactly Alike

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It’s Shark Week and I know what you’re thinking! I don’t find the most murderous, vicious being in the sea intimidating at all. I have a toddler! They’re pretty much the exact, same thing! 

Okay, maybe you’re not thinking that at all. But maybe you should. I was thinking about this last night in a sleep-deprived stupor; toddlers and sharks have so much in common. I can’t believe no one has ever connected these dots before. Thanks to two hours of sleep, I was able to compose the following list for you – which totally makes sense in every way.

Toddlers are exactly like sharks, people.

1. They ruin your day at the beach.

Sharks will terrify you out of the water. Toddlers will pretend that they love everything for about five minutes, then they will spontaneously start hating sand and/or throwing it everywhere. Even if they love the beach, your relaxing day in the sun turns into daylong quest to keep your kid hydrated and sans epic sunburn.

2. They eat objects they can’t digest.

Both of these beings will attempt to swallow anything they get in their mouths – and that stuff is not always digestible.

3. They don’t sleep.

If you have a toddler who is on a great sleep schedule, just shut up – but sharks don’t sleep, either.

4. They bite for no reason.

Can sharks really be that ravenously hungry all the time? What is the deal? And why do all toddlers turn into little biting bandits? Both of these entities have sharp teeth and are not afraid to use them.

5. They’re stubborn as hell.

That shark isn’t letting go of your leg. That toddler isn’t letting go of your iPhone.

6. Their reputations precede them.

A sense of doom comes over anyone who sees a shark fin in the distance. When parents have a child who is approaching the “terrible twos” they sense some doom as well.

7. They have super-sensory hearing.

Sharks are amazing predators because of their super-sensory hearing. Your toddler will train you not to move a muscle after he falls asleep for fear that he will awaken from his slumber and you have to do the whole goddamn bedtime ritual again.

8. They go for days without eating then gorge themselves.

What is the deal with this? My doctor once told me not to concern myself with what my toddler was eating daily – but weekly.

Shark Week starts today on the Discovery channel.