Bad Mom Advice: Sex & Money – This Week We Discuss Allowances And Anal

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!


I am in my seventh month of pregnancy. I saw you wrote about having sex while pregnant and even though my husband still wants to, I am scared and sort of grossed out by it. how can I get over this? please don’t use my name. 


You shouldn’t be scared. Sex is a very natural thing and how you got yourself in this mess to begin with, slut.

No, I am joking. I know a lot of women feel weird about having sex during pregnancy, and fears can range from not wanting to “hurt” the baby to feeling self-concious about their changing bodies. First of all, you cannot hurt the baby by having intercourse. The amniotic sac acts as like this super-protective forcefield around the baby and it isn’t like your husband is that well-endowed that his gigantic monster penis is going to knock the baby in the head. Sorry, but this is true. As far as feeling gross, when you have this giant baby growing inside of you and you’re exhausted and your ankles have vanished because you’re retaining water and the sexiest thing you can contemplate doing is lying in bed and watching Downton Abbey re-runs, you have to realize that sex may actually make you feel better. There is also some evidence that the closer you get to your due date, intercourse may actually bring on labor. It’s like a sexy, sexy pregnancy induction! As long as your water hasn’t broken.

I’m going to assume that part of you wants to have this sort of intimacy with your husband, because you took the time to E-mail me, and you have to remember sex doesn’t even have to include standard intercourse. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, and even anal sex are something that pregnant woman can enjoy. Anal sex is fine as long as you don’t have excessive hemorrhoids that could break during penetration, and that both you and your partner are disease free. I shouldn’t have to remind you that you shouldn’t go from having anal sex to vaginal sex, especially when you are pregnant because bacteria could be harmful to you and your unborn baby, but there are other ways to be intimate with your partner if traditional intercourse no longer appeals to you.

I would even suggest cuddling and watching a favorite movie, but then I would get a ton of E-mails from our furious daddy readers. So blow jobs. The trick is remembering that even though you are “heavy with child” (Barf, I can’t believe I just wrote that) your spouse obviously still finds you hot enough to want to get busy with you, so think outside the intercourse box with other ways you can share your sex box with him. Yes, I just said sex box.

I wanted your opinion on child allowances. My end-goals are to teach them financial responsibility, learning the value of a dollar, and fostering the ideal that hard work leads to a good reward. Do you believe in allowances and what kind of restraints, if any, do you have on them?

Allowances are fantastic! They teach children responsibility, how to save money, and if you ever need cash for a tip for the pizza guy you can always steal from your child! I agree with giving kids allowances 100%, but I don’t give my own kids one. Because I’m not going to pay them for shit they should be doing anyway, like keeping their rooms clean or getting good grades. That being said, I do give them a sort of allowance because I make them save any birthday cash they get from relatives and the Tooth Fairy and when they want to buy a new video game or something I make them chip in or do extra chores in order to earn the money. I do think the idea of allowances are great I’ve just never implemented an actual system, because I’m lazy. We do discuss money and how it doesn’t grow on trees and how if they want certain frivolous items like toys, games, or food they have to save money for it. Just kidding about the good thing, we do feed them. Get cute banks, set up a list of things they can do around the house based on their age and assign a monetary value to it, and put them to work. May I suggest they can earn $5 for cleaning your roof gutters?

Got any questions for me, hit me up in the comments or via Twitter or E-mail.

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