11 Places You Should Not Use A Sex Toy

Sex toys can be a fun way to spice up your marriage, but there’s a time and a place for everything. This is the lesson that Ashley and Dennis, who were featured on TLC‘s Sex Sent Me to the ER, had to learn in a most unfortunate way when they tried to use a unique type of vibrator in public. And what a hard lesson it was (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

According to the couple’s interesting conversation with The Stir‘s Adriana Velez, Ashley heard about a remote controlled vibrator from a friend. Apparently the vibrator part is worn by one person, and their partner controls it with the remote. Ashley and Dennis were intrigued by the idea of public masturbation/sex play (and I have to admit, so am I) and decided to try it out…at their local grocery store. According to The Stir:

“We never used any toys like this before,” Dennis says, “but I was open to it.” He thought it was really cool that it was wireless. “You could be sneaky with it, but you could be discreet. That was the fun part — it was a mischief thing…I could be far away from her and press a button, and it would reach her. That was the best part. She didn’t know when it was coming.”

Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse when one “buzz” caught Ashley off guard. She slipped and hit her head, an ambulance was called and off to the ER she went. I bet explaining that situation was a fun time! This got me thinking about the many places where public masturbation just wouldn’t work. Places like…

11. The TSA security line

They might think you just rigged up the world’s most perverted underwear bomb.

10. You kid’s soccer game

Not only would this be totally inappropriate, but if you DID fall and hit your head, the grass stains would be a bitch to get out.

9. Driving

And they say texting and driving is distracting!

8. Exercise class

I know Zumba is exciting, but this would be ridiculous. No one wants to hear your moans of ecstasy while getting their sweat on.

7. Church

Even in the confines of a monogamous, married relationship, I think your priest would disapprove of you climaxing mid-sermon.

6. PTA meeting

I know that George Clooney-esque single dad who does the treasurer stuff is totally hot, but save your passion for when you’re alone.

5. Bingo

You don’t want to jump up mid-orgasm and accidentally claim a prize, now do you?

4. Jury duty

Though I guess this is one way to get dismissed.

3. At a funeral

Paying your respects to a loved one is probably not the best place to get your rocks off, and even if that does float your boat, have some damn respect!

2. Skeet shooting