Your Sex Life Isn’t Sexy Anymore: 10 Reasons Why It’s Totally Your Kid’s Fault


My sex life is suffering since I gave birth to my second child. A three-year-old and a seven-month-old equals no time for ourselves. I know this is such a cliche´ and there are people who will inevitably say, you’re obviously doing something wrong! Our sex life hasn’t been affected at all! In fact – it’s improved since we’ve had kids! But I will just think you are all big, humblebragging liars because – wait, what was I saying? I’m so exhausted I lost my train of thought.

Exhaustion. Also, time. All of a sudden, it seems like time is just not on my side anymore. If you are the parent of young children, finding any time for yourself can be challenging. Finding time for sexy-time can be almost impossible.

What it boils down to is – I blame my kids. You should probably blame your kids, too. Here’s why:

1. You need sleep.

Yay! Kids are finally in bed! Your day is done! You’re exhausted.

2. You have to check your email.

All those things you used to have time for are getting crammed into the few minute intervals throughout the day when you are not needed. You’d rather be having sex, but your boss is going to kill you.

3. Stuff needs to get done.

Tedious obligations are happening during those precious moments when you should be getting down.

4. The Bachelor is fucking two hours long. 

The kids are asleep, but you’re spending two hours on this. Why Juan Carlos? Why?

5. There are constantly people trying to touch you.

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I just want five solid minutes when someone isn’t trying to feed off me or hold my hand.

6. You need sleep.

Did I mention this one already?

7. You walked by a mirror.

There is something distinctly unsexy about the vomit in your hair and breast milk on your shirt.

8. You find it hard to get turned on when someone is singing, Don’t Bite Your Friends! in the other room.

Certain things you find so adorable at other times of the day make your love shack close for business.

9. Having sex in front of a sleeping baby creeps you out and it’s too cold to move to the couch.

How long is this crib going to be in our room?

10. You need sleep.

Maybe I already mentioned this?

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