Whoever Says Your Sex Life Doesn’t Change After Baby Is A Big, Fat, Liar


I put people who say their sex life didn’t change after they had a baby in the same category as people who say the lost all their baby weight by breastfeeding or wanted to have sex all the time when they were pregnant; I do not understand these people. Maybe they aren’t lying, but they’ve mastered something I have not. They’re just better at life than I am, I guess.

Before baby, you have carte-blanche to do whatever the hell you want (sexually) whenever the hell you want. There is no one else in the house to disturb you or demand milk from the other room while you’re getting it on. There’s not a baby laying in a crib within earshot of your sexy-place. It’s so much easier.

My vagina pretty much clamps shut when I hear the sounds of my children. They totally destroy the mood. I have a one-year-old and a three-year-old, and getting them both to stay asleep at the same time while we scavenge for some part of the house where they can’t find or disturb us seems impossible at times. It’s like they have a sixth sense or something. It totally doesn’t help that our one-year-old sleeps in a crib in our room. Sort of takes the spontaneity of a midnight quickie, when you have to find something to cloak the view of your child in case she stirs awake. I don’t want my one year old having early memories of her parents getting it on. No child wants those.

Aside from finding the perfect time when both kids are unconscious, there’s the little matter of the complete exhaustion you deal with when you have two small children. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve both looked over at each other thinking – they’re finally asleep. We should do this. Then we look again and think – Oh my god, this couch feels so good and I really don’t want to move right now. It kinda sucks when your children dictate when you can have sex.

I know this will pass. I know having two children under the age of four is pretty trying and exhausting and we’ll eventually get our groove back. But it takes a lot of effort and planning, that’s all. I really need advice from the person who says nothing changes about your sex life after you have kids. The drive is still there, but honestly with all of the planning it takes to make it happen – sometimes it feels like the thrill is gone.

(photo: Joana Lopes/ Shutterstock)

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