My mom has this awesome theory about food. She won’t try things she deems bizarre because she says she likes too many things as it is, you know, stuff like fresh baked baguettes or really beautiful cheeses, and that she won’t try things like tentacles because if she likes them then it will just be another food item that she would crave or cause her to gain weight or something. And it’s in this spirit that I admit I have no interest in having a semen-vodka-tonic because I like plain old vodka tonics just fine plus the idea of drinking semen out of a glass, even though I adore the would-be producer of said semen, is just super creepy to me, BUT, if you are one of these people who are going to whip up some cocktails (I said cocktails!) than I shan’t judge thee. And there is a new mixology book out just for you! Brought to you by the same person who made the
New York Times bestseller 2011 book Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
According to SF Weekly:
It would have been simpler if Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, semen-cooking enthusiast, were more of a creep. Then it would have been easy to dismiss his self-published cookbooks, 2011’s Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes and the new Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook — two volumes that literally made me throw up in my mouth a little bit when I received them.
They have recipes like Slightly Saltier Caviar, Special ‘S’ Barbecue Sauce, Mexican Cumslide, and Watermelon Gin Jizz, all which require teaspoons and tablespoons of the stuff. There are sentences such as, “Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic,” along with tips on how to make one’s semen taste better (ginger!) and last longer (keep it in the freezer!)
Now, even though this seems like a lot of work to me plus possibly not very delicious, I expect all of you amazing Mommyish readers to tell me all about how you just added semen to your coffee and how you keep a supply of semen in your freezer in specially marked Tupperware and that you already own both of these books and you use them as often as you do anything by Ina Garten. Plus, do you think Sandra Lee has ever prepared anything with semen but also using packets of chili spice and budgets cuts of meat? I need to know these things.
You can purchase the semen cocktails book here in case you want to buy one to give your mother-in-law something that will really freak her out for Mother’s Day.