Scary Mommy: 12 Kid Venues That Need Open Bars

Let’s face it, as parents we spend a lot of time in places we would rather not be: Pediatrician’s offices, playgrounds, porta-potties, waterparks, etc. (those last two are interchangeable, by the way).

In fact, according to a study, (ok, my husband), 88.6% of our time is spent in places where the question… “what the hell am I doing here?” is not rhetorical. We hear a lot about adult venues striving to make their environment more “kid-friendly”… but really, shouldn’t kid-oriented spots return the favor by attempting to be more adult-friendly? Enough with Despicable Me, would it kill the pediatrician’s office to air an episode of “Orange is the New Black” in the waiting room every once in a while? Clearly this evolution would take time… but the obvious, and quickest solution to this injustice would be to add an open bar to some of the most brutal wonderful kid-oriented venues.

Let’s start with these:

1. Chuck E. Cheese’s. When you think about it, Chuck E. Cheese’s is just a casino for shorties. There are no clocks, you have no idea how long you’ve been there, and by the time you leave you’ve blown through all your coin. Obsessed gamblers mindlessly hover over machines in hopes of hitting the jackpot, only to discover that nobody ever really leaves there a winner. The disappointment is so great that everyone ends up stuffing their faces with pizza before stumbling back out into daylight. Hey C Diddy – what does a girl have to do to get a drink around here?

2. Justice. A visit to justice is an out-of-body experience that involves sequins, glitter, neon, and girls wearing shirts with sayings like “I go nuts for donuts”. Five feet into the store and you feel like you’ve dropped acid. You want to leave but the next thing you know you’re holding a giant panda with googly eyes and standing next to someone in a rainbow glow-in-the-dark crop top and zebra print hightop sneakers. Eventually you find yourself asking, “where am I and how will I get home?” Alcohol in this setting would merely help dull the pain.

3. Dance Recitals. In theory, these are lovely. You can’t help but smile when the tutu-clad 4 year olds wearing bright red lipstick step out on stage, twirl, and then shimmy back off stage. You are in awe of the talented teens who manage to pull off a jazz number that is just one hitchkick short of a pole dance. … but somewhere between the 3rd and 4th hour of these endless shows the magic wears off. Suddenly parents in the audience begin to shift nervously in their seats and check their programs obsessively… “Only 16 more acts to go…only 15 more…” we whisper frantically to each other. By the time the show ends even non-drinkers are craving a martini and a cigarette.

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